Whaddup sugar? It's been almost 5 years since I've written in this blog .. I kinda thought it was gone for a sec.
Trigger warning: This blog talks about domestic violence.
I'm about to get raw as fuck.
6:19 am and I cannot stop tearing up. Man enough to hold back the tears - I'm being facetious can we PLEASE stop saying Man enough? Betty White hit the nail on the head when she said "grow a vagina" instead of "grow a pair" because we all know vagina's can take a beating and balls certainly can not. Ok, I'm stalling .. I am scared shitless to write this story!
Ok, lets start with where I'm at .. for about 5-7 days I have been going through the motions with this nasty voice inside my head. When I missed the birth of my clients baby (hello snow storm) it crept in and started telling me how unworthy I was. How dare I even think I'd be considered to actually SEE a human come into this world. Pathetic.
This voice has been with me my entire life and it is fucking mean. This voice constantly tells me all the ways I am just not good enough. Even when I have every reason to be happy, this voice laughs at me. Sits on the sidelines waiting for the opportunity to strike. It's always when I fuck up... guilt shame and mean ass inner voice.
Here's the thing I just discovered this year: That voice isn't mine - it's my Fathers.
I could puke right now if I let myself. That is how terrifying that statement was for me to type. I am shaking. My heart is racing. I am sweating. Fight or Flight response fully kicked in. From talking about my "Dad" ....
I want to tell you a little bit about this man ...
I didn't meet him until I was 3 or 4 years old - I don't remember exactly - before he came along it was just me and my Mom and Gramma Gramma. Life was awesome. I remember playing, laughing and generally being happy AF.
Anyways.
Eventually my Dad came back into the picture & it was time for us to meet.
We met at some nature preserve and fed the ducks. I don't remember him getting down on my level and introducing himself. I don't remember playing with him. I remember walking around, feeding ducks and constantly looking up at my Mom like "who is this person and why are we with him?" He didn't feel right.
He never felt "right".....
Unfortunately it took me another 30 years before I was brave enough to actually walk away from him. Equally unfortunate is that I am still dealing with his demon voice.
It never felt right with my Dad, Steve Newman. I was always uncomfortable around him. When I was 5 or 6 my mom wanted a picture of us on the porch swing together. I accidentally set my hand too close to his junk and he jumped up and moved away from me. I remember crying because I felt so awful about it. I remember her scolding him. I have pictures of us before Homecoming and he's 6-10 inches away from me with his hands clasped in front of him with this awkward smile. I remember crying when I got the picture because it made me feel so shitty inside. "Why does he hate me?"
He doesn't. He hates himself. Hurt people hurt, people.
After my brother was born my Dad brought me back to our very tiny house & told me to throw away my beloved teddy bear, P-Bear. I remember standing over the garbage can vividly. I remember wanting to cry SO bad and him staring at me saying "don't you dare. you better not shed one tear. you're big sister now. grow up." When he was satisfied that I wouldn't cry, he put me to bed, where I cried silently all night. I was traumatized. Who does that?! Why?! I was FIVE. It's perfectly normal for a 5 year old to have a teddy to sleep with at night.
(Thankfully P-Bear was returned later that year (thanks Santa) and I still have him to this day.)
Recently, I have started to uncover the "why" to all my questions with my Dad including the teddy bear debacle.
His own pain, masked by Alcoholism and some seriously fucked up cruel behaviors meant to leave him feeling Powerful, thats why.
My dad is a very troubled Man. I have heard stories about his childhood that bring tears to my eyes. and he has spent his entire life hiding behind his pain. What do hurt people do? Yep, you got it. They hurt people.
I don't share this to demonize the man. I send him love regularly and when a piece of me surfaces that I know came from him, I honor it. That is why I am writing this. To Honor our story.
It isn't pretty and happy. It's sad and painful.
My dad didn't come to my ballet recitals, even when I begged him to do the Daddy Daughter dance with me. He didn't support any of my dreams growing up. He never explained why he was so violent towards my Mother ..
After the divorce he tried to get better. But his wounds are deep and no matter how hard he tries to stifle them - they resurface. And my siblings and I have been the targets a lot over the last couple of years.
It's destroying us all. Our relationships with each other are in the gutter - thanks to my Dad demonizing each of us to the other. And because he is our Father, and naturally we learn from our parents how to be, we have all learned to be ashamed of our pain and to hide it.
I think I've been blessed with the ability to own a lot of my pain. I took up writing when I was 9 years old and I haven't stopped. It's helped me process through a lot of my pain .. but the pain my Father causes me? That pain has not been allowed to be seen. Because I was afraid what people would think of me, for saying this about my dad. We're supposed to respect our elders - and sometimes that comes with this blanket of silence even when they aren't being respectable.
So this pain has been hidden.....
Substance abuse and alcoholism run rampant between my siblings and I. Our way of struggling through the pain, trying to mask it, avoid it or disown it. I have a major addiction to food and have struggled a lot this year with binge eating.
PAIN.
What a powerful force. Isn't that what most of us fear during childbirth? break ups? life in general....
our world is full of people avoiding their pain.
alcohol
marijuana
food
sex
gambling
unstable relationships
make up
We all put on these masks to pretend we're ok - instead of crying it out - and then we lose it at the old lady who accidently cut us off or our toddler for playing in the toilet for the millionth time.
and then guess whaaaat ......................................
I passed that shit right along to my kids.
except my kids know how to cry. thank GOD
They cry A FREAKING LOT.
and it's been challenging with two loud, crying toddlers.
but last night we had a little breakthrough - and I am so thankful for their love because shiit, they are healing me!
Last night I started to face this voice inside me that hates, so much, when I fail or fall short of my INSANE expectations (another token of my Father). I started to say "I choose to love myself here" over and over again outloud and I started sobbing.
you know what my babies did? They swarmed me. "Are you ok Mama? I love you. You're ok. I love you. Why are you sad?" When my husband got out of the shower, "Daddy, Mommy's crying" and the 3 of them swarmed me in the bathroom and surrounded me with LOVE.
I am sobbing as I write this out. Even now, as I remember how good it felt in that moment to feel so loved, this voice wants a piece of me.
I love you mean, demonizing inner voice. I love you for trying to keep me safe. As long as I stayed small, I was safe .. but guess what? I am guided and protected. I have literally built an Army Of Love around myself with my family. No one can love me the way my Boys all love me. Completely, unconditional, PURE as it can be. And guess what demon voice? They love you too. I love you. You served me for a very long time.
and now, it's time to let you rest. I am OK. Even failures mean I'm trying and that's a good thing. It doesn't truly matter what anyone else thinks of me because I know I am as brilliant as the Stars above and I can shine on as long as I choose to. Especially when I am feeling broken - because that is how the Light gets out, through the cracks. And that is when I get to see how Powerful I actually am.
I am Powerful.
and when I own this inner voice and I recognize it's beautiful ability to keep me alive all these years - I also recognize my Father's demon voice. And when I heal this very sad, very hurt part of me - guess what?? I heal it in him as well.
I am Powerful.
You know who taught me the essence of Power?? My Dad.
I forgave my dad last year for all the pain and trauma. I know that his Soul agreed to play out this Villain role long before he incarnated. I know that there is beauty in the pain and sadness. I know, because I am. I am grateful for the role my Dad played in my life - even when it hurts so bad - because I know that he is responsible for putting me on the path I'm on right now.
Through him I learned Power and through his hurt, I learned how to harness my Power.
My Power to forgive, even the seemingly unforgivable, and love him (from a very safe distance).
Love HEALS.
Love is all we need.
When it hurts like hell, we choose love.
Self love.
Passionate love.
Unconditional love.
Uncomfortable love.
Love. Love. Love.
Love is all you need.
Love is Powerful.
more powerful than pain
more powerful than hate
more powerful than greed
Love is all you need.
I love you.
<3
