It's crazy to think of all the b/s I've put up with in the last year, year and a half. I've let too many people deceive me and hurt me. But that's the thing .. 'I let them'. I haven't stuck up for myself in too long .. I've been too afraid of hurting someone else, which is ludicrous when you think about it because that means I'd rather hurt myself than hurt others!
There's a fine line between being considerate and compassionate and just being a door mat. If I've learned anything it's to be good to myself - and I'm following through. Let me tell you, it's not easy.
It's no secret, I see the best in people. Always. No matter what. I trust people who aren't trustworthy, I depend on people who aren't reliable, I confide in people who can't keep secrets. I put my faith in people who can't even manage to treat me with respect and consideration.
but I do it all because I believe. I have faith that people learn and grow and change, I really believe people can change. Perhaps adapt is a better word. I give people the benefit of the doubt without thinking about it because I want so badly to believe that there are people out there like me - honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal people.
As badly as I want to fix everyone, believe everyone, trust everyone - I know can't. It's sad .. but it's life.
It makes me appreciate the ones who are reliable, trustworthy and honest that much more. I've lost a lot of people in the past and not just from natural causes, either. If anyone is familiar with the heartache of losing someone you care about - it's me. I'm not quite sure why it happens .. I give people a chance when they don't deserve one. I'm not totally honest about my concerns or my fears .. because I'm afraid to be. I don't take my time to get to know someone while still protecting myself .. I really don't know.
I'm not totally sure what I need to do differently. I'm stuck .. I can't find the middle ground between being too trusting and not trusting at all.
I'm just tired of being hurt.
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