The "New" me of Twenty Fourteen.

Ok, I did it. I fell into the cliche "new year, new me" mentality. But maybe it's cliche because the energy this time of year forces us to think & feel this way.

The difference here is that I am not announcing a new development in my personality, character, beliefs or physical nature but rather defining who I've been for years. Out loud. For personal gain, satisfaction and acceptance.

I am passionate.
pas·sion·ate  (psh-nt)

adj.

1. Capable of, having, or dominated by powerful emotions

 

My emotions & feelings dominate 99% of my time and energy. If I am happy, the whole universe feels it. If I'm angry, I can bring those around me down, in seconds. Of course the latter is perceived as an unfavorable outcome & for years I've beat myself up for not having better control over myself & my emotions. But not any more, I'm going in to 2014 with pride that I am passionate. In every sense of the word! You would not appreciate fear without safety nor pride without shame - so why should you expect to appreciate all-consuming happiness without the back breaking thunder that is despair? I'm sorry if I affect you that way, because I understand the pain, but I am not sorry that I am capable of doing so. He made me this way for a reason - just because you don't agree with it, doesn't mean I should be sorry for it.

 

I am thick.

This made me laugh out loud - but it's true! I have never been smaller than a size 6 and I never will be! I've fought myself and my body for my entire adult life (and most of my teenage life as well). I've never felt beautiful or 'OK' or good enough - physically. There was always something that needed toning or flattening or working on. The crazy part is my weight has fluctuated SO much in the past 10 years! I haven't been satisfied with myself in over 10 years! To hell with all of it. I'm thick. I have curves, fat, cellulite and rolls. AND I'M OK WITH IT! I realized over the holidays that the only time I felt insecure was when someone else looked at me - more specifically my body - and said nothing. My mind went crazy with possible explanations for what they were thinking. Even my own family has contributed to my hatred of my body. But it's all in the past. It's all so irrelevant. Should I eat better? Yea. Should I exercise more often? Probably. Can I think of 19 hundred other "should I's" ? Yup. The point is that I have this one life. This one teeny tiny 80 something year life and I've already wasted 28 years hating myself! Ridiculous. I believe in reincarnation, the rebirth of the soul, eternity and life after death and my soul is in a process of growing and becoming closer and closer to whole and complete. I AM NOT THERE YET! I have tens and thousands of life's after this one to exercise. Ok, not seriously, but you get my point. I cannot obtain "perfect" here and I'm done beating myself up for it. I binge eat, I LOVE CARBS. Oh my god do I love carbs. Donuts, pretzels, just a piece of soft white bread rolled into a tight ball dipped in sugar. It's horrible! It's disgusting! It's poison! But I freaking LOVE them. (Oh how wonderful that feels to say out loud.) My body tells me when I've had enough. I get migraines and digestive problems. Sometimes I ignore them, but the older the get the more reward I find by doing my body right. & I will continue to do things this way because it works for me and it makes me content. I'm not fighting my mind and torturing my soul.  My body may not be up to America's 2014 Standards, but approval was never important to me. & now acceptance of myself is.

I love my sister more than anyone in the entire world.  

She is my favorite. I have an indescribably relationship with my 19 year old sister. She is my best friend & my soul mate - in every sense of the word. I believed when she was born (& I was 9) that she was a gift directly to ME from the Gods. & I still believe it and will continue to! She is my driving force behind almost all that I do - sometimes without me even realizing it. I will go to the ends of the earth for her. I will push myself outside of every comfort zone to assist her. I've even taken on the latest role of a 21st century 'martyr' in my family, for her. Ok, bit dramatic - but I will stand by her side and support her no matter what. Always have. Always will. & for a majority of my life I have been condemned. I have been told it's unhealthy and wrong and co-dependent and who the heck knows what other ridiculous definitions have been thrown at me .. but I do know this: it does not matter. My relationship with Abi is pure and perfect and exactly what I believe God intended human beings to be to one another. I believe in our relationship and I will defend it to the end of the earth. Call it what you will, it will never change.

I am different.

Lord, am I different! I don't agree with the public school systems, I don't believe in the the "health system" of our time. I disagree with politics & government all together. I believe in existence in the purest sense. Survival. However you may come upon it, & I don't think any one else (singly or as a group) has the right to tell you what's wrong or right. You may be thinking "Oh yea, me too! Anarchy in the UK" (anyone seen SLC Punk? Man, great movie.) Anyway, with that comes this belief, too: it is not the responsibility of another human to defend another. *gasp* I've lost ya .. oh well. LIVE. That is your responsibility. If you believe you don't have the right to kill another human being, then don't! We spend so much time telling others how to live their life and it's so wrong. So so so so so wrong. Lead by example. Be the type of people you'd like to see. Stop preaching. Stop shoving your ideologies down everyone's throat. Stop judging. Stop categorizing. Stop. Just live your damn life, and let me live mine. Or don't, I'm not telling you what to do. But that's it. If we join together based on similar ideas or beliefs, wants or needs, excellent. If not, I will still exist and so will you. Survival of the fittest. & guess what? We don't get to decide who's fit or not .. it's all been worked out by the universe. ;)

Energy.
I believe, one thousand times over, that the entire universe is controlled by energy. Every single thing that exists has an energy and it moves; time, matter, more energy. Awhile back a friend of mine on Facebook shared something about the Full Moon and it's affects on your sleep pattern. I was flabbergasted (good word, huh :) by the link & looking back into my life realized how true (for me) it really was. Since then I've been able to synchronize my moods and even my own energy level on my surroundings. For years I've struggled with self diagnosed "seasonal depression". There are just times in my life where a cloud grows above my shoulders and I cannot shake it. This whole time I've put myself down, tried medication (so briefly I doubt it even had a chance to work.) exercise, meditation, change in eating habits, praying - you name it, I looked for a solution. Lately though, I've had this overwhelming feeling of "sometimes, it's just meant to be this way". Animals hibernate, why can't humans? I don't really see the need to be perfectly positive and productive 365 days a year. I don't think it's necessary. I get depressed and I fully believe that it is a natural part of life and that my only objective is to manage through it. The older I get, the easier I manage. It's outside of my control, its the universe's way of telling me to take a back seat because there's nothing I can do. I don't believe we are as powerful as we believe & I definitely do not believe we are in control.

I believe in magic.

Not actually - but theoretically. I believe in Karma and good fortune. I believe things come together just so. There is good and there is bad and we have been taught to fear and run away from the bad. It's bad, stay away. But I embrace it all. Life & death. Happiness & sadness. Good & bad. Although I'd almost always prefer the good, I can handle the bad and I need to. We all do. Would you know the saddening despairing loneliness of death had you not experienced the wonderful warmth and companionship of one's life? I doubt it. You cannot appreciate the stars without the Sunset. You cannot appreciate the sunshine without the Rain. It is all linked together and it is all necessary. Because of that, I get particularly excited and happy when good happens. It's a validation of sorts. I've recently started studying Rune Stones and the links between intuition, nature and fate. I believe 100% you can heal your body, mind and soul with prayer, chant, scent, feeling and taste. I also believe that if you cannot - you were not meant to. I will turn to prayer, hope, faith, whole foods, home remedies, and "folklore" before I turn to anything man-made. 

 

Ok, I'm done ranting. If you made it this far, thanks for reading :) These are just a few of the validations I needed to tell myself. I am good, I am whole, I am brave and I am on to something .. I may not tackle it in this lifetime but I'm one step closer and it feels great.

 

keep growing. <3