you might have to learn to self hate, before you can self love

Whaddup sugar? It's been almost 5 years since I've written in this blog .. I kinda thought it was gone for a sec.

Trigger warning: This blog talks about domestic violence.

I'm about to get raw as fuck.

6:19 am and I cannot stop tearing up. Man enough to hold back the tears - I'm being facetious can we PLEASE stop saying Man enough? Betty White hit the nail on the head when she said "grow a vagina" instead of "grow a pair" because we all know vagina's can take a beating and balls certainly can not. Ok, I'm stalling .. I am scared shitless to write this story!

Ok, lets start with where I'm at .. for about 5-7 days I have been going through the motions with this nasty voice inside my head. When I missed the birth of my clients baby (hello snow storm) it crept in and started telling me how unworthy I was. How dare I even think I'd be considered to actually SEE a human come into this world. Pathetic.

This voice has been with me my entire life and it is fucking mean. This voice constantly tells me all the ways I am just not good enough. Even when I have every reason to be happy, this voice laughs at me. Sits on the sidelines waiting for the opportunity to strike. It's always when I fuck up... guilt shame and mean ass inner voice.

Here's the thing I just discovered this year: That voice isn't mine - it's my Fathers.

I could puke right now if I let myself. That is how terrifying that statement was for me to type. I am shaking. My heart is racing. I am sweating. Fight or Flight response fully kicked in. From talking about my "Dad" ....

I want to tell you a little bit about this man ...

I didn't meet him until I was 3 or 4 years old - I don't remember exactly - before he came along it was just me and my Mom and Gramma Gramma. Life was awesome. I remember playing, laughing and generally being happy AF.

Anyways.
Eventually my Dad came back into the picture & it was time for us to meet.
We met at some nature preserve and fed the ducks. I don't remember him getting down on my level and introducing himself. I don't remember playing with him. I remember walking around, feeding ducks and constantly looking up at my Mom like "who is this person and why are we with him?" He didn't feel right.

He never felt "right".....

Unfortunately it took me another 30 years before I was brave enough to actually walk away from him. Equally unfortunate is that I am still dealing with his demon voice.

It never felt right with my Dad, Steve Newman. I was always uncomfortable around him. When I was 5 or 6 my mom wanted a picture of us on the porch swing together. I accidentally set my hand too close to his junk and he jumped up and moved away from me. I remember crying because I felt so awful about it. I remember her scolding him. I have pictures of us before Homecoming and he's 6-10 inches away from me with his hands clasped in front of him with this awkward smile. I remember crying when I got the picture because it made me feel so shitty inside. "Why does he hate me?"

He doesn't. He hates himself. Hurt people hurt, people.

After my brother was born my Dad brought me back to our very tiny house & told me to throw away my beloved teddy bear, P-Bear. I remember standing over the garbage can vividly. I remember wanting to cry SO bad and him staring at me saying "don't you dare. you better not shed one tear. you're  big sister now. grow up." When he was satisfied that I wouldn't cry, he put me to bed, where I cried silently all night. I was traumatized. Who does that?! Why?! I was FIVE. It's perfectly normal for a 5 year old to have a teddy to sleep with at night.
(Thankfully P-Bear was returned later that year (thanks Santa) and I still have him to this day.)

Recently, I have started to uncover the "why" to all my questions with my Dad including the teddy bear debacle.
His own pain, masked by Alcoholism and some seriously fucked up cruel behaviors meant to leave him feeling Powerful, thats why.

My dad is a very troubled Man. I have heard stories about his childhood that bring tears to my eyes. and he has spent his entire life hiding behind his pain. What do hurt people do? Yep, you got it. They hurt people.

I don't share this to demonize the man. I send him love regularly and when a piece of me surfaces that I know came from him, I honor it. That is why I am writing this. To Honor our story.

It isn't pretty and happy. It's sad and painful.

My dad didn't come to my ballet recitals, even when I begged him to do the Daddy Daughter dance with me. He didn't support any of my dreams growing up. He never explained why he was so violent towards my Mother ..

After the divorce he tried to get better. But his wounds are deep and no matter how hard he tries to stifle them - they resurface. And my siblings and I have been the targets a lot over the last couple of years.

It's destroying us all. Our relationships with each other are in the gutter - thanks to my Dad demonizing each of us to the other. And because he is our Father, and naturally we learn from our parents how to be, we have all learned to be ashamed of our pain and to hide it.

I think I've been blessed with the ability to own a lot of my pain. I took up writing when I was 9 years old and I haven't stopped. It's helped me process through a lot of my pain .. but the pain my Father causes me? That pain has not been allowed to be seen. Because I was afraid what people would think of me, for saying this about my dad. We're supposed to respect our elders - and sometimes that comes with this blanket of silence even when they aren't being respectable.

So this pain has been hidden.....

Substance abuse and alcoholism run rampant between my siblings and I. Our way of struggling through the pain, trying to mask it, avoid it or disown it. I have a major addiction to food and have struggled a lot this year with binge eating.

PAIN.

What a powerful force. Isn't that what most of us fear during childbirth? break ups? life in general....

our world is full of people avoiding their pain.
alcohol
marijuana
food
sex
gambling
unstable relationships
make up

We all put on these masks to pretend we're ok - instead of crying it out - and then we lose it at the old lady who accidently cut us off or our toddler for playing in the toilet for the millionth time.

and then guess whaaaat ......................................
I passed that shit right along to my kids.

except my kids know how to cry. thank GOD

They cry A FREAKING LOT.

and it's been challenging with two loud, crying toddlers.

but last night we had a little breakthrough - and I am so thankful for their love because shiit, they are healing me!

Last night I started to face this voice inside me that hates, so much, when I fail or fall short of my INSANE expectations (another token of my Father). I started to say "I choose to love myself here" over and over again outloud and I started sobbing.

you know what my babies did? They swarmed me. "Are you ok Mama? I love you. You're ok. I love you. Why are you sad?" When my husband got out of the shower, "Daddy, Mommy's crying" and the 3 of them swarmed me in the bathroom and surrounded me with LOVE.

I am sobbing as I write this out. Even now, as I remember how good it felt in that moment to feel so loved, this voice wants a piece of me.

I love you mean, demonizing inner voice. I love you for trying to keep me safe. As long as I stayed small, I was safe .. but guess what? I am guided and protected. I have literally built an Army Of Love around myself with my family. No one can love me the way my Boys all love me. Completely, unconditional, PURE as it can be. And guess what demon voice? They love you too. I love you. You served me for a very long time.

and now, it's time to let you rest. I am OK. Even failures mean I'm trying and that's a good thing. It doesn't truly matter what anyone else thinks of me because I know I am as brilliant as the Stars above and I can shine on as long as I choose to. Especially when I am feeling broken - because that is how the Light gets out, through the cracks. And that is when I get to see how Powerful I actually am.

I am Powerful.

and when I own this inner voice and I recognize it's beautiful ability to keep me alive all these years - I also recognize my Father's demon voice. And when I heal this very sad, very hurt part of me - guess what?? I heal it in him as well.

I am Powerful.

You know who taught me the essence of Power?? My Dad.
I forgave my dad last year for all the pain and trauma. I know that his Soul agreed to play out this Villain role long before he incarnated. I know that there is beauty in the pain and sadness. I know, because I am. I am grateful for the role my Dad played in my life - even when it hurts so bad - because I know that he is responsible for putting me on the path I'm on right now.

Through him I learned Power and through his hurt, I learned how to harness my Power.

My Power to forgive, even the seemingly unforgivable, and love him (from a very safe distance).

Love HEALS.

Love is all we need.

When it hurts like hell, we choose love.
Self love.
Passionate love.
Unconditional love.
Uncomfortable love.

Love. Love. Love.
Love is all you need.

Love is Powerful. 
more powerful than pain
more powerful than hate
more powerful than greed

Love is all you need.

I love you.

<3

break ups: the painful process

It's no mystery, dealing with a break up is difficult. Chances are, you can turn to almost anyone you know and they'll be able to share with you a painful tale of their own. We've all been there, right?

but what happens when your 'break up' has become more of a 'break down'? You continue to torture yourself with the details of the break up over and over again, and no matter how clearly you see that it's not meant to be, you just can't seem to let go. Welcome to my life.

I have spent the better part of 4 years trying to figure out my relationship with my, now, ex-boyfriend. We dated in high school, broke up, I did the whole break up process and moved on. Years later we crossed paths and dated for 6 months and broke up, again. Once more, I went through the process but this time we remained 'friends' (not a wise decision on either of our parts). Seven months later we were back together, this time it was supposedly the real deal. There was talk of marriage, a family, life-long plans .. you know, the 'forever' talk that we all seem to have with our significant others. Each and every time we got back together I told myself we were meant to be, we're soul mates, this will all be worth it in the long run. All the excuses and lies you fill your head with to make sense of the hurt and heartache.

This April we both decided that our relationship was no longer making either of us happy and we decided to go our separate ways. Of course, we talked about remaining friends, but it was quickly revealed to both of us that this was not going to be possible. It was far too painful. So, we stopped talking. I cleared my life of anything that reminded me of him and, once again, went through the break up process - which had now become excruciatingly routine. Six weeks later I hear news that he's engaged to another ex of his, whom I had always known was the love he never let go of.

I was determined, now more than ever, to get rid of him (and what had now become my obsession) once and for all. I thought, this time, I was really over him. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt - it was all too much to bare and I knew it wasn't healthy. I deserved better, it wasn't meant to be, there's a lesson here somewhere - I filled my head with positive, forward moving thoughts. I was really done .. or so I thought.

As recent as September I received an email from him letting me know his engagement - and his relationship - was over. He claimed I was 'right about her' and he was thankful. "For what?" I thought to myself .. so, I reached out to him to find out. We met up and before I knew it, I was swept back into the thought of 'forever' with him. Except this time I could not get over the fact that a few months ago he had proposed to another woman and suddenly he's back here with me! It rattled my brain and when he failed to give me an answer I could believe, I told him I couldn't be friends with him and bid him adieu.

A few weeks later, he's back with his ex fiance. Telling me I need to let him go, "We're over", he says. "It's unhealthy for you to be speaking to me, you need to move on." What convenient timing for such wisdom!

I felt like I was dumped, again. It's been 7 years off and on with this boy and, for some reason, I continued to fall for his charm and cute little text messages. It wasn't until I watched him bounce from me to her back to me and then back to her again, that I realized how foolish I had been! and even then, I'm still sitting here wondering.

It's been really difficult for me to find answers to this relationship. Was this whole thing one big lie? Were we ever meant to date in the first place? Why did we date if it seems so wrong and unfit now? Why doesn't she see the pattern? What exactly is he looking for? Who does he really love? Did he ever really love me? or her? Am I normal for wondering these things? Why can't I get over him?

After everything I've been through with him, I know that I deserve better. I also know that all those little red flags weren't because I was crazy after all, it was because I was lying to myself. Then it hits me, the real question, "Why did you lie to yourself for so many years, Nicole?" I let myself fall for his cute texts and charming humor because I wanted to fix him.

He's looking for something to fix the hurt he feels inside. He's desperately trying to find it in relationships (among other things) and when he's not successful he runs to the next one. I know that, deep down, he must have loved me and her (as painful as that is for me to admit) because he wouldn't have been able to spend 3 years with me or propose to her if he hadn't. But there's no way you can truly love someone when you don't love yourself. I have nothing to do with why he does what he does, he's really just focused on himself and trying to fix whatever it is that hurts so deeply.

I get it. So, was it meant to be? Obviously not, or it would. Did he ever really love me? At one point, I'm sure he did. Sometimes our past, our secrets and our own self-hatred get in the way of appreciating what's in front of us. Why can't she see the pattern? Probably for the same reasons I never did! When you're in love you don't think straight. Love really is blind! Was it one big lie? No, there were bits of truth in there somewhere - but because of the lies (he told me or he told himself or I told myself) we were able to hold onto something that wasn't really there for a lot longer.

So, the lesson? Well .. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, obviously I need to be a lot more aware of the 'in-love' feeling and how intoxicating it can be. I need to be honest with myself, even if he's trying to convince me otherwise (I mean, come on .. an 'expensive rebound'? Flying across country to spend a romantic weekend with someone qualifies as an 'expensive rebound'; a proposal fit with a gorgeous diamond ring does not).

I'm sure as I go along, as more time passes (& time really does heal all), I'll be able to see everything clearly and understand perfectly why all of this happened to me. Until then, I'll focus on myself and I won't settle for anything less than everything.

be good to yourself, and the rest will follow.