you might have to learn to self hate, before you can self love

Whaddup sugar? It's been almost 5 years since I've written in this blog .. I kinda thought it was gone for a sec.

Trigger warning: This blog talks about domestic violence.

I'm about to get raw as fuck.

6:19 am and I cannot stop tearing up. Man enough to hold back the tears - I'm being facetious can we PLEASE stop saying Man enough? Betty White hit the nail on the head when she said "grow a vagina" instead of "grow a pair" because we all know vagina's can take a beating and balls certainly can not. Ok, I'm stalling .. I am scared shitless to write this story!

Ok, lets start with where I'm at .. for about 5-7 days I have been going through the motions with this nasty voice inside my head. When I missed the birth of my clients baby (hello snow storm) it crept in and started telling me how unworthy I was. How dare I even think I'd be considered to actually SEE a human come into this world. Pathetic.

This voice has been with me my entire life and it is fucking mean. This voice constantly tells me all the ways I am just not good enough. Even when I have every reason to be happy, this voice laughs at me. Sits on the sidelines waiting for the opportunity to strike. It's always when I fuck up... guilt shame and mean ass inner voice.

Here's the thing I just discovered this year: That voice isn't mine - it's my Fathers.

I could puke right now if I let myself. That is how terrifying that statement was for me to type. I am shaking. My heart is racing. I am sweating. Fight or Flight response fully kicked in. From talking about my "Dad" ....

I want to tell you a little bit about this man ...

I didn't meet him until I was 3 or 4 years old - I don't remember exactly - before he came along it was just me and my Mom and Gramma Gramma. Life was awesome. I remember playing, laughing and generally being happy AF.

Anyways.
Eventually my Dad came back into the picture & it was time for us to meet.
We met at some nature preserve and fed the ducks. I don't remember him getting down on my level and introducing himself. I don't remember playing with him. I remember walking around, feeding ducks and constantly looking up at my Mom like "who is this person and why are we with him?" He didn't feel right.

He never felt "right".....

Unfortunately it took me another 30 years before I was brave enough to actually walk away from him. Equally unfortunate is that I am still dealing with his demon voice.

It never felt right with my Dad, Steve Newman. I was always uncomfortable around him. When I was 5 or 6 my mom wanted a picture of us on the porch swing together. I accidentally set my hand too close to his junk and he jumped up and moved away from me. I remember crying because I felt so awful about it. I remember her scolding him. I have pictures of us before Homecoming and he's 6-10 inches away from me with his hands clasped in front of him with this awkward smile. I remember crying when I got the picture because it made me feel so shitty inside. "Why does he hate me?"

He doesn't. He hates himself. Hurt people hurt, people.

After my brother was born my Dad brought me back to our very tiny house & told me to throw away my beloved teddy bear, P-Bear. I remember standing over the garbage can vividly. I remember wanting to cry SO bad and him staring at me saying "don't you dare. you better not shed one tear. you're  big sister now. grow up." When he was satisfied that I wouldn't cry, he put me to bed, where I cried silently all night. I was traumatized. Who does that?! Why?! I was FIVE. It's perfectly normal for a 5 year old to have a teddy to sleep with at night.
(Thankfully P-Bear was returned later that year (thanks Santa) and I still have him to this day.)

Recently, I have started to uncover the "why" to all my questions with my Dad including the teddy bear debacle.
His own pain, masked by Alcoholism and some seriously fucked up cruel behaviors meant to leave him feeling Powerful, thats why.

My dad is a very troubled Man. I have heard stories about his childhood that bring tears to my eyes. and he has spent his entire life hiding behind his pain. What do hurt people do? Yep, you got it. They hurt people.

I don't share this to demonize the man. I send him love regularly and when a piece of me surfaces that I know came from him, I honor it. That is why I am writing this. To Honor our story.

It isn't pretty and happy. It's sad and painful.

My dad didn't come to my ballet recitals, even when I begged him to do the Daddy Daughter dance with me. He didn't support any of my dreams growing up. He never explained why he was so violent towards my Mother ..

After the divorce he tried to get better. But his wounds are deep and no matter how hard he tries to stifle them - they resurface. And my siblings and I have been the targets a lot over the last couple of years.

It's destroying us all. Our relationships with each other are in the gutter - thanks to my Dad demonizing each of us to the other. And because he is our Father, and naturally we learn from our parents how to be, we have all learned to be ashamed of our pain and to hide it.

I think I've been blessed with the ability to own a lot of my pain. I took up writing when I was 9 years old and I haven't stopped. It's helped me process through a lot of my pain .. but the pain my Father causes me? That pain has not been allowed to be seen. Because I was afraid what people would think of me, for saying this about my dad. We're supposed to respect our elders - and sometimes that comes with this blanket of silence even when they aren't being respectable.

So this pain has been hidden.....

Substance abuse and alcoholism run rampant between my siblings and I. Our way of struggling through the pain, trying to mask it, avoid it or disown it. I have a major addiction to food and have struggled a lot this year with binge eating.

PAIN.

What a powerful force. Isn't that what most of us fear during childbirth? break ups? life in general....

our world is full of people avoiding their pain.
alcohol
marijuana
food
sex
gambling
unstable relationships
make up

We all put on these masks to pretend we're ok - instead of crying it out - and then we lose it at the old lady who accidently cut us off or our toddler for playing in the toilet for the millionth time.

and then guess whaaaat ......................................
I passed that shit right along to my kids.

except my kids know how to cry. thank GOD

They cry A FREAKING LOT.

and it's been challenging with two loud, crying toddlers.

but last night we had a little breakthrough - and I am so thankful for their love because shiit, they are healing me!

Last night I started to face this voice inside me that hates, so much, when I fail or fall short of my INSANE expectations (another token of my Father). I started to say "I choose to love myself here" over and over again outloud and I started sobbing.

you know what my babies did? They swarmed me. "Are you ok Mama? I love you. You're ok. I love you. Why are you sad?" When my husband got out of the shower, "Daddy, Mommy's crying" and the 3 of them swarmed me in the bathroom and surrounded me with LOVE.

I am sobbing as I write this out. Even now, as I remember how good it felt in that moment to feel so loved, this voice wants a piece of me.

I love you mean, demonizing inner voice. I love you for trying to keep me safe. As long as I stayed small, I was safe .. but guess what? I am guided and protected. I have literally built an Army Of Love around myself with my family. No one can love me the way my Boys all love me. Completely, unconditional, PURE as it can be. And guess what demon voice? They love you too. I love you. You served me for a very long time.

and now, it's time to let you rest. I am OK. Even failures mean I'm trying and that's a good thing. It doesn't truly matter what anyone else thinks of me because I know I am as brilliant as the Stars above and I can shine on as long as I choose to. Especially when I am feeling broken - because that is how the Light gets out, through the cracks. And that is when I get to see how Powerful I actually am.

I am Powerful.

and when I own this inner voice and I recognize it's beautiful ability to keep me alive all these years - I also recognize my Father's demon voice. And when I heal this very sad, very hurt part of me - guess what?? I heal it in him as well.

I am Powerful.

You know who taught me the essence of Power?? My Dad.
I forgave my dad last year for all the pain and trauma. I know that his Soul agreed to play out this Villain role long before he incarnated. I know that there is beauty in the pain and sadness. I know, because I am. I am grateful for the role my Dad played in my life - even when it hurts so bad - because I know that he is responsible for putting me on the path I'm on right now.

Through him I learned Power and through his hurt, I learned how to harness my Power.

My Power to forgive, even the seemingly unforgivable, and love him (from a very safe distance).

Love HEALS.

Love is all we need.

When it hurts like hell, we choose love.
Self love.
Passionate love.
Unconditional love.
Uncomfortable love.

Love. Love. Love.
Love is all you need.

Love is Powerful. 
more powerful than pain
more powerful than hate
more powerful than greed

Love is all you need.

I love you.

<3

The "New" me of Twenty Fourteen.

Ok, I did it. I fell into the cliche "new year, new me" mentality. But maybe it's cliche because the energy this time of year forces us to think & feel this way.

The difference here is that I am not announcing a new development in my personality, character, beliefs or physical nature but rather defining who I've been for years. Out loud. For personal gain, satisfaction and acceptance.

I am passionate.
pas·sion·ate  (psh-nt)

adj.

1. Capable of, having, or dominated by powerful emotions

 

My emotions & feelings dominate 99% of my time and energy. If I am happy, the whole universe feels it. If I'm angry, I can bring those around me down, in seconds. Of course the latter is perceived as an unfavorable outcome & for years I've beat myself up for not having better control over myself & my emotions. But not any more, I'm going in to 2014 with pride that I am passionate. In every sense of the word! You would not appreciate fear without safety nor pride without shame - so why should you expect to appreciate all-consuming happiness without the back breaking thunder that is despair? I'm sorry if I affect you that way, because I understand the pain, but I am not sorry that I am capable of doing so. He made me this way for a reason - just because you don't agree with it, doesn't mean I should be sorry for it.

 

I am thick.

This made me laugh out loud - but it's true! I have never been smaller than a size 6 and I never will be! I've fought myself and my body for my entire adult life (and most of my teenage life as well). I've never felt beautiful or 'OK' or good enough - physically. There was always something that needed toning or flattening or working on. The crazy part is my weight has fluctuated SO much in the past 10 years! I haven't been satisfied with myself in over 10 years! To hell with all of it. I'm thick. I have curves, fat, cellulite and rolls. AND I'M OK WITH IT! I realized over the holidays that the only time I felt insecure was when someone else looked at me - more specifically my body - and said nothing. My mind went crazy with possible explanations for what they were thinking. Even my own family has contributed to my hatred of my body. But it's all in the past. It's all so irrelevant. Should I eat better? Yea. Should I exercise more often? Probably. Can I think of 19 hundred other "should I's" ? Yup. The point is that I have this one life. This one teeny tiny 80 something year life and I've already wasted 28 years hating myself! Ridiculous. I believe in reincarnation, the rebirth of the soul, eternity and life after death and my soul is in a process of growing and becoming closer and closer to whole and complete. I AM NOT THERE YET! I have tens and thousands of life's after this one to exercise. Ok, not seriously, but you get my point. I cannot obtain "perfect" here and I'm done beating myself up for it. I binge eat, I LOVE CARBS. Oh my god do I love carbs. Donuts, pretzels, just a piece of soft white bread rolled into a tight ball dipped in sugar. It's horrible! It's disgusting! It's poison! But I freaking LOVE them. (Oh how wonderful that feels to say out loud.) My body tells me when I've had enough. I get migraines and digestive problems. Sometimes I ignore them, but the older the get the more reward I find by doing my body right. & I will continue to do things this way because it works for me and it makes me content. I'm not fighting my mind and torturing my soul.  My body may not be up to America's 2014 Standards, but approval was never important to me. & now acceptance of myself is.

I love my sister more than anyone in the entire world.  

She is my favorite. I have an indescribably relationship with my 19 year old sister. She is my best friend & my soul mate - in every sense of the word. I believed when she was born (& I was 9) that she was a gift directly to ME from the Gods. & I still believe it and will continue to! She is my driving force behind almost all that I do - sometimes without me even realizing it. I will go to the ends of the earth for her. I will push myself outside of every comfort zone to assist her. I've even taken on the latest role of a 21st century 'martyr' in my family, for her. Ok, bit dramatic - but I will stand by her side and support her no matter what. Always have. Always will. & for a majority of my life I have been condemned. I have been told it's unhealthy and wrong and co-dependent and who the heck knows what other ridiculous definitions have been thrown at me .. but I do know this: it does not matter. My relationship with Abi is pure and perfect and exactly what I believe God intended human beings to be to one another. I believe in our relationship and I will defend it to the end of the earth. Call it what you will, it will never change.

I am different.

Lord, am I different! I don't agree with the public school systems, I don't believe in the the "health system" of our time. I disagree with politics & government all together. I believe in existence in the purest sense. Survival. However you may come upon it, & I don't think any one else (singly or as a group) has the right to tell you what's wrong or right. You may be thinking "Oh yea, me too! Anarchy in the UK" (anyone seen SLC Punk? Man, great movie.) Anyway, with that comes this belief, too: it is not the responsibility of another human to defend another. *gasp* I've lost ya .. oh well. LIVE. That is your responsibility. If you believe you don't have the right to kill another human being, then don't! We spend so much time telling others how to live their life and it's so wrong. So so so so so wrong. Lead by example. Be the type of people you'd like to see. Stop preaching. Stop shoving your ideologies down everyone's throat. Stop judging. Stop categorizing. Stop. Just live your damn life, and let me live mine. Or don't, I'm not telling you what to do. But that's it. If we join together based on similar ideas or beliefs, wants or needs, excellent. If not, I will still exist and so will you. Survival of the fittest. & guess what? We don't get to decide who's fit or not .. it's all been worked out by the universe. ;)

Energy.
I believe, one thousand times over, that the entire universe is controlled by energy. Every single thing that exists has an energy and it moves; time, matter, more energy. Awhile back a friend of mine on Facebook shared something about the Full Moon and it's affects on your sleep pattern. I was flabbergasted (good word, huh :) by the link & looking back into my life realized how true (for me) it really was. Since then I've been able to synchronize my moods and even my own energy level on my surroundings. For years I've struggled with self diagnosed "seasonal depression". There are just times in my life where a cloud grows above my shoulders and I cannot shake it. This whole time I've put myself down, tried medication (so briefly I doubt it even had a chance to work.) exercise, meditation, change in eating habits, praying - you name it, I looked for a solution. Lately though, I've had this overwhelming feeling of "sometimes, it's just meant to be this way". Animals hibernate, why can't humans? I don't really see the need to be perfectly positive and productive 365 days a year. I don't think it's necessary. I get depressed and I fully believe that it is a natural part of life and that my only objective is to manage through it. The older I get, the easier I manage. It's outside of my control, its the universe's way of telling me to take a back seat because there's nothing I can do. I don't believe we are as powerful as we believe & I definitely do not believe we are in control.

I believe in magic.

Not actually - but theoretically. I believe in Karma and good fortune. I believe things come together just so. There is good and there is bad and we have been taught to fear and run away from the bad. It's bad, stay away. But I embrace it all. Life & death. Happiness & sadness. Good & bad. Although I'd almost always prefer the good, I can handle the bad and I need to. We all do. Would you know the saddening despairing loneliness of death had you not experienced the wonderful warmth and companionship of one's life? I doubt it. You cannot appreciate the stars without the Sunset. You cannot appreciate the sunshine without the Rain. It is all linked together and it is all necessary. Because of that, I get particularly excited and happy when good happens. It's a validation of sorts. I've recently started studying Rune Stones and the links between intuition, nature and fate. I believe 100% you can heal your body, mind and soul with prayer, chant, scent, feeling and taste. I also believe that if you cannot - you were not meant to. I will turn to prayer, hope, faith, whole foods, home remedies, and "folklore" before I turn to anything man-made. 

 

Ok, I'm done ranting. If you made it this far, thanks for reading :) These are just a few of the validations I needed to tell myself. I am good, I am whole, I am brave and I am on to something .. I may not tackle it in this lifetime but I'm one step closer and it feels great.

 

keep growing. <3

 

 

 

Eureka!

I had a post that I have been working on for the lat hour and I lost it. So frustrating! 

I'm excited to announce that I have decided on a topic to focus my blog on! I  want to write about my journey toward living a minimalists lifestyle. To me, living minimally means getting by with less stuff. As little as you can possible use and still get by. Examples: Carpooling because its cheaper and better for me and the environment, cooking with the season, growing my own veggies. Becoming more crafty and resourceful. And toning down the inner voice that says "ooh pretty, I want that!"

If you're wondering how I got here, it was through God. First, let me explain my relationship with Him a little bit. I've never been very religious, I didn't go to church growing up, unless it was a Holiday. But there has always been something speaking to me and working through me. I believe in something bigger than myself and the power of the energy you put out. Recently I have officially decided to call this God and I am learning to cherish my relationship with Him! (It feels very unorthodox to me.) 

I have been working steadily for the past 5 ish years trying to get to a place where I could start my own family. Outside of your average financial burdens that kept popping up, I thought my goal was to eventually get to a place where I make more money, and therefore can afford more. 

Pursue college degree: fail.

Switch jobs trying to increase income: fail. (Well, truthfully I have increased the $1 amount but with that it seems the amount I think I need has increased too.)

Long story short, I was wrong. I get a very strong feeling that it is one of my life's purposes to figure out how to live with less and manage what I have. 

There are a dozen or more blogs out there about the same thing, but this is my  journey. 

I have a book called Tao Te Ching. Its a philosophical book by a man named Lao Tzu. I haven't gotten through the whole book but my favorite quote goes something like this, 

"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are..."

Here are a few steps I'm taking:

1. Buy less, purge more. Pretty simple idea, not so simple application. I donate my stuff all the time - and I throw a good deal of it out, too. But like any girl, I love to shop! 

2. Increase resourcefulness. Pinterest helps hugely with this! My goal is to work within my means and increase creativity so I can take what I have and multiply their uses. My own way of turning water into wine ;)

3. Retrain your brain. Kind of like a sequel to number 1. I know I don't need it, but I want it & I worked hard for this money. Sound familiar? I think it's a nasty habit I've gotten into - justifying my spending habits. Truth is, I don't need that pair of flats. Even though they're cute, and on sale, the reality of it is they won't matter in 5 years. (I won't even allow myself to go into Target anymore because its literally impossible to walk out empty handed.) 

So here's to my journey, I hope you enjoy reading about it! 

til death do us part, or until I decide I don't like you anymore. Whichever comes first..

I have marriage on the brain. Not by choice really, either! Partly because its wedding season, and then there's a certain someone's "are you and Chaun going to get married?" that's got my head upside down. 

First of all, yes - if I have it my way - Chaun and I will get married ONE day. Although, not for reasons you might assume. I want to spend forever with Chaun and start a family together but I really don't believe I need a legal document to accomplish that. I want to be married because it's important to me to have the same last name as my babies. (God willing.) & this is a very recent discovery of mine. Prior to this realization I was contented with the idea of never being legally married. 

I grew up in a broken home. Even when my parents were still married it never felt like a family. Things, people, time - it was all divided, all of the time. I cling to married couples like they're rare, precious gems filled with wonder. I take notes, seriously, married couples fascinate me. But it's not the marriage itself that is so intriguing...it's what happens when things go south. I study married couples trying to figure out if I can detect the "fatal flaw". Are they truly as committed today as they were the day the said "I do"? When does divorce become an option? At what point do you decide you've "had enough"? How do you know it's over? Beyond repair? Why the HELL did you just spend 15 years working it out only to call it quits now?! 

I don't get it! Divorce is ludicrous to me. Marriage to me represents a legally binding commitment stating this person is now your life-long partner. Til death do us part means you've vowed to stand by this person for your entire life (& theirs), they're no different than family. Heck, the become your family! So how on earth can you decide to walk away from your family? I could never. And I get that I'm not alone when I think this, but somewhere along the way people change their minds. Society makes you think this is OK. If he cheats or you're not "in love". (I mean, if your life is threatened by all means get out!) But I'm talking your typical, every day, "7 year itch" kinda divorce. When someone asks you to marry them (or when you ask for someone to marry you) you've decided that this is your "forever" person. You can't change your mind. You have to work through it. Even when they cheat (a lot of people cheat, its a normal, crappy part of life. You gotta work through it!) Hardly anyone does that anymore. & my fear of divorce comes not from my inability to stay committed (I have been thru hell and back, I can get through just about anything.) No, it stems from my fear of abandonment and the slightest possibility that my partner may change his mind. (I think Chauns' loyalty may outweigh my own actually, but shit happens and society can make you believe anything.) 

That's just one piece of it, my friends!! Lets talk, now, about weddings! A good friend and role model recently brought to my attention that a wedding and marriage are two completely different things. (I know what you're thinking, duh!) I didn't. Really. First of all, I never dreamed of my wedding as a little girl. I dreamed of being Mommy. I've been to 2 weddings my entire life. My moms when I was 5 and some random friend of a friend of a friend. That's it. And I don't have any close girlfriends planning their weddings (well, accept one but she's pretty down-to-earth normal). So when I think "wedding" all I have to go off of is HGTV and TLC and E! Oh, and Pinterest of course. It kinda goes like this in my head..

1. Been together 2.4 years, lets look at rings.

2. Proposal.

3. Spend 12 mos ripping your hair out, crying and spending thousands of dollars on stuff you won't remember in 30 years.

4. Spend twice that much on attorneys and court costs because you're not in love.

 In my head, in order to be a "normal, committed family" you have to fall in love and get married and throw this huge, crazy expensive wedding.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE looking at engagement rings (& I want one!) but, uh, centerpieces? Sweetheart necklines? Save the date photo shoot? Personalized bridesmaid wine glasses? Chair covers? Seriously?? Why does anyone care about this crap?! And please, please tell me what any of that has to do with what you're celebrating?! 

I told Chaun we can get married at the courthouse - and I meant it. Maybe in 15 years we can have a ceremony celebrating our commitment (which we now have proof of) and our family, but it won't change my life much if we don't. Heck, I'll have more money for future college funds ;)

Oh, and love is a choice people. You may fall in and out of love a dozen times in your relationship but its a choice to simply love. And when you make that choice and back it with vows (and a thirty thousand dollar price tag) you should stick to it! That means when your so-in-so hasn't made you swoon in 3 months and you want to punch them square in the face you have to choose to show them love and acceptance instead. Nobody is ever going to make you happy 99% of the time. Not your family, not your kids and certainly not your significant other. That's where God is giving you the opportunity to practice unconditional love! He's giving you a chance to be like Him! Take advantage! That's huge! Think about it, if people got along all the time would we show or even appreciate acceptance? You gotta take the good with the bad. It's part of the beauty that life is.

Marriage, to me, means forever. It's sacred and special and important. Choosing one person to spend the rest of your life with is a blessing from God! I truly feel like weddings and divorce are just one more thing pulling us away from Him. It makes me sad..and it makes it hard for me to join forces. I feel like by abandoning the desire to get married I'm sticking up for my beliefs. I can have a meaningful, committed relationship and a family without all the smoke and mirrors.

& I will never have to worry about centerpieces. 

Land of the free because of the brave

I've seen this quote a lot over the weekend! Memorial Day gives us all an obvious reason to celebrate our freedom and show appreciation to those who fought for it, for us. 

It should go without saying, but I think it's important to remember to practice gratitude all year long. I couldn't imagine going a few days without my partner, Chaun, let alone months and even years. Yet, there are families who are doing just that. They're reminded what the fight is about on a daily basis. & we should too! Just take a moment and say thanks! 

On a less serious side note: this weekend I finally tackled my dreaded closet chaos! Do you have a room (or even a corner of a room) that makes you sad every time you look at it? That was my closet. My room is tiny! (I mean like, dorm room tiny!) so my closet became the dumping ground. If it needed a home it went somewhere in the closet. Anyway, I'm sure you can imagine my frustration as I went to pull clean bed sheets down and ended up with hoodies, extension cords and Christmas lights on my head, instead. 

The solution was fairly simple, I bought two wire shelving units from Home Depot for $20 each and put one on either end of my closet. It freed up so much room, not only do my shoes, hoodies and jeans have a place to live, but I was able to de-clutter my "dresser" and the hooks behind my bed! Just being able to close my closet doors again makes me so happy! 

And I don't have to worry about a waterfall of crap next time I reach for the sheets! 

(I should have taken before/after photos!)

Did you take advantage of the 3 day weekend?! 

xox

Slow and steady wins the race

I'm really going to try and maintain this blog this time..really! (I'm terrible, I know.)

I've bobbled (if this is not a word, I coin the phrase "bobbled". Definition: To think about something so much your head moves back and forth AND up and down. hehe), the idea of keeping a regular diary of my daily thoughts, recipes, opinions, helpful hints etc. I doubt my ability to be captivating and or interesting so I usually fold after a few entries. That, and what I've written about in the past is mostly about relationships and I know that can be tiresome (and boring) to read on the daily. So I've gone back and forth..
"Should I start a blog?"
"Should I start a new blog or keep the old one?"
"Should I bother, does anyone even read this?"



Alas, I have made a decision! I want to write and I want to share what I write. Obviously I need to blog. :) I'm also too lazy and technically challenged to create a whole new blog, so if you don't like reading about sappy love stories don't read any of my previous entries :) Problem solved! *Pat on the back*

*Side note* If you read this and follow it and you notice something (font, color, size, writing style, spelling, grammar, topic) that needs a little sprucing up please comment and let me know!

Now on to the main attraction..er I mean entry!

Lately I have been contemplating my lifestyle vs. the lifestyles of others. I often find myself "creeping" someone on Facebook or Instagram or Keek and thinking to myself,

"gosh, they're so pretty"
             or
"they're so lucky"
             or
"I wish I had that" etc.

I recently took a trip to OK/AZ/CO (yes, literally all 3) and I've come back with a whole new perspective. I think I'M  the lucky one! All of these things I envy, be it nice homes, nice belongings, nice style, pretty hair, nice make up, cute nails, etc etc etc are so incredibly far away from what life is all about. We are not put here to have stuff and display it. We are interactive, emotional creatures that have the same basic needs as the rest of the living things here on earth. If I didn't struggle most of my life with old clothes that didn't fit or wore out ... if I had luxury cars and lots of money .. if I had a huge house and 6 kids (yes, I really wish I could be like Michelle Dugger sometimes) .. I wouldn't have seen the beauty in Arizona or Colorado the way I had. I wouldn't have appreciated the simplicity of a road trip taking in this beautiful country I call home. It wouldn't have been the same.

Society has convinced us that in order to be happy you need to meet your 'soul mate' and have a HUGE lavish wedding with center pieces and flower arrangements and cute little "will you be my bridesmaid" personalized hoodies. You should buy a huge 17 bedroom house and 9 cars, a boat, an atv and a unicycle. You should have kids, you should travel the world, you should exercise daily, you should eat healthy, you should give up lunch meat because nitrates give you cancer, you should you should you should you should....


*brain explosion*


that's part of the problem - life cannot be defined! It isn't going to be the same for everyone. Someone may travel the world and someone else may never leave Clinton, OK. I'm sure you've read those clever little quotes on Pinterest that go something like this:

"What ruins the simplicity of life is obsessing over what should be and failing to see the beauty in what is."

I'm getting closer and closer to accepting my life exactly the way it is, because I can still see and embrace the awe inspiring beauty in what surrounds me! I feel so blessed by this! Things pull us away from our center, whether you believe in a God or you simply feel like an overgrown, smarter version of the ape. Neither are meant to be draped in Michael Kors and stuffed in a 17 bedroom house with marble counter tops. Don't get me wrong, I have dreamed of one day having these, we all do because that's what society has trained us to think we want!


but I know there is no way a marbled counter top and a unicycle would ever impact my soul the way Pikes Peak and Garden of the Gods did.


no freaking way.

will you defeat them? Your demons, and all your non-believers...

Whoever came up with the phrase "when you find the one, you just know" - didn't know shit. You don't.

With every guy I was with, I imagined a life with them. I planned out our future according to our current dreams and obsessions. And every time I was disappointed and let down.

I learned two things - I have unrealistic expectations, of myself - and of others.

& you don't know. When you find the one you have absolutely no clue what's about to hit you. You just like this person. Really, really like. And they make you want to be better, try harder, go further

but you don't just ....know.

I was blindsided by Chauns' existence in my life. One minute he was there, the next I was obsessed with this dude. I found myself being challenged to gain more and more insight into his inner-workings. I found those around me judging and criticizing me for liking him that much, that quickly.

I didn't care. or, I thought I didn't .. but, deep down I did.

I began to hide how I felt for Chaun. Locking my feelings for him in the safest place in my heart. Although the criticisms made me feel ashamed and foolish originally - what those feelings lead me to do taught me so much. I'm glad I kept it safe for awhile. I'm glad I was selfish and I didn't expose every single detail to every person that would listen.

It's now time to let them out again. 

because now I'm sure. I'm sure that Chaun is who God wants me to be with right now. He makes me want to be the best I could possibly be - and I can't get enough of that. Instead of focusing incessantly on the imperfections of those around me - I can focus on me. That's the best feeling I've ever had.

& I'm thanking God I found it. ..and him. <3

What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud.

I can remember the first time I ever heard this song. It was on this girls Xanga - yea, I'm that old. I would go to her Xanga just to hear this song. Over and over and over. It still brings me the same calming effect it did back then.

So, what would you think of me now? I never said thank you for that. Except, I get the chance. On here at least .. because I know you'll read this sooner or later. :)

I thought all this time I was missing him, but I've realized I was only missing the part of me that he took with him. I'm slowly getting back to who I was before all of this catastrophe went down. & I am stronger, thank God. I know I can get through whatever life throws me..getting over you was the hardest thing I've had to do. It overwhelmed me for so much longer than I had expected.

but I'm happy to say .. I'm finally over you. In a basic sense. I'm over the love that I thought we had. I'm over the anger and the bitter resentment. I'm over the wishful thinking and the hopeful dreaming. Best of all - I'm over avoiding that part of me because I was so terrified of being reminded of you.

Truth is you are a part of who I am. When I go out discing, when I get excited over Miniature Tigers - mental note, they're at schubas soon get tickets - Ok, I'm back. Sorry. Listening to We Were Promised Jetpacks. My 'Does It Offend You Yeah' tee shirt. When I sing Jimmy Eat World as loud as I can in my car. That's all a part of me that I found when I was with you. and those are some of my favorite parts of me.

I wouldn't have found them if you never came into my life. What a depressing thought..

so, without further adieu ..

Thank you TSP. You've made me who I am today and I love who I've become.

Ben Harper always knew the way to my heart.

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one

This is my life in a song. A song Ben Harper helped write. & I don't want your pity, I want so badly to tell him. No, don't pity me - understand me if you must - but don't feel bad for me. It won't help matters even if you did. It won't bring him back..he's never coming back. Not the way I knew him.  

Storm Warning

I learned a lot about myself in the past month or so, mostly in the past few days.

I've been searching, for a long time, for the reason why people come and go so often in my life. Including important people, like my parents. It's a huge source of heartache and confusion for me in my life and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.

Well, thanks to someone pretty amazing, I think I finally have. It's not them. It's me.

I've always been aware that I'm very critical of others and that I constantly focus on others more than myself. But I've never actually seen how negatively it's impacted me. When I'm in a relationship - be it platonic or otherwise - I am faced with several insecurities, but instead of identifying my insecurities and why I feel the way I do - I focus on the person who made me feel that way and why they would want to make me feel like that. Here comes the rain, and then I obsess over it. Why would you want to hurt me? How could you betray me? You You You ...enter thunder, lightening, hail and we've got a full blown storm over something INSIGNIFICANT. Not to mention the fact that I've failed at making myself feel better or communicate what I need from this person in order to feel better - all I have managed to do is cause a huge storm over a little cloud in my sunshiney day.

I do it constantly. With everything. I think too much - this too, I've always known. But I think NEGATIVELY instead of positively. I focus on the bad and what I don't have or what I'm missing out on instead of the good and what I do have and what I'm gaining. Every day.

However, I am proud to announce that I am working on it :) I am so proud of myself and SO thankful to have people who love me for me - really. I am going to focus on how I feel and what I need rather than what the other person did to make me feel that way. I'm going to really ask myself if this is even worth thinking about and practice letting the little things go. When I find myself hurt, I'm going to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. And I'm going to appreciate the wonderful people in my life, regardless of their flaws.

because that's exactly what they've given me. <3

Innocent Questions.

Why don't we appreciate things before we lose them?

Why don't we treat others like the treasures they are?

How come judgment and abandonment are accepted methods of dealing with pain?

What happens when you don't want to accept the norms that society has forced upon you?

What if you want to be your own person, and love forgive and forget at your own discretion?

Why are we expected to gain approval of those around us?

Why does anyone's approval besides your own, and God's, even matter?

What if I don't want to do what I'm supposed to? What if I don't want to listen?

How come the consequences for doing it my way and not listening are SO extreme?

Why do you have to leave me before you can love me?

this one goes out to the one I love

or, used to anyways.

Is it over yet? Can I skip the next month and avoid feeling like this? I want it to be over already. I thought this break up was going to be so much different than all the rest. I thought I was handling it well. I thought I was ok.

I'm not. and no one knows it. I don't know what's worse: being let down by yet another guy I trusted - or having all the feelings from the last break up surface.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick of being take for granted. and I'm beyond tired of being expected to let it all go and 'be friends'. Are you effing kidding me? I gave you a chance to be my friend, you had to be my boyfriend! And you blew that, too.

I'm tired of being stuck inside my head. I feel like no one understands what I'm going through or how I'm feeling - and everyone keeps trying to make light of it. Can I just be human and hurt without the world trying to force me to get over it? Forgive me for seeing something wrong with sugar coating life. I've never been one to ignore how I really feel and, although at times it makes me look irrational or over-emotional, I will never change. This is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I think more people should. I know I'm not the only one who's felt like this - but I am one of the only who has the balls to write about it.

Is there even such thing as love? I don't even believe in it anymore.

mind in one place, heart in another

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this morning I woke up in a completely different place. There were the obvious differences like, I was in Illinois and now I'm in Wisconsin. I was with Chaun getting ready for the beautiful day and now I'm alone, doing homework, staring at the clouds out my window. And then there is the not-so-obvious difference, I woke up this morning next to Chaun, as his girlfriend and now I sit here alone, single.


I was trying to do homework but I can't focus. I didn't want to rush home and change my relationship status on FB to 'single' for fear of the drama that would ensue. But, I do need to talk about it and people are going to ask eventually anyways.

6 months ago I made a promise to myself that I would re-evaluate my relationship with Chaun and make sure that it was headed in a happy, healthy place and if not - I would do what's best for myself.
In 2 days it will be our 6 months, and I found myself contemplating our relationship a couple of days early. I didn't come up with the 'happy, healthy' conclusion I was hoping for. Chaun and I have spent quite a bit of time lately, arguing. Over silly things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't necessarily matter. I found myself laying on his bed alone, sad because he and I were having trouble just enjoying each others company. I couldn't figure out why but my head told me what I had to do.

So, we had a long conversation, and I told him I thought it was best - for both of us - if we just broke up. And although we had plenty of good times together, lately the bad seemed to outweigh the good, and neither of us deserve that - or even need it at this point in our lives. Although I shed a few tears, I'm proud of myself for handling it so well.

So what's the problem? Break ups are hard, that's just a fact of the matter. I have to be honest and say I have never handled a break-up so maturely or graciously. I'm surprised to find that no matter how well - or not so - the break up goes, it still hurts.

I still care about Chaun. I now have no one to text good night or make corny status's about. He was my only friend, and I'm sad that I'm alone once again. My heart kicks in, and what seemed to be such a logical decision this afternoon now feels like the end-all. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but it's really hard to weigh your heart against your head.
I won't be able to enjoy dinner with his family on Friday nights anymore. No one to call and share my day, however good or bad. No one to skype with. I don't have a reason to leave WI every weekend and escape reality for awhile.

I know I made the right decision, for both of us. I'm relieved that, eventually, we will be able to remain friends because we did handle this so well.

I just wish relationships weren't so complicated. I wish loving wasn't so easy and letting go wasn't so hard.

I wish all you really need was love.

Why do we have middle names?

Just curious. Not that I don't love coming up with 2 name combinations for my "some-day" children, I just wonder where it originates from and why we get 2 names.

Other than that, I cannot contain my excitement to get back into school! I got accepted to Penn State's online campus or "world campus" as they call it. I've been waiting since the end of February to hear back from them. I'm just going to start with a few classes and pursue my Associates in one of their 'family services' programs and go from there. I've decided I'm going to be a counselor. I'm good at talking .. and listening (most of the time). Why not get paid to do it?

One day - my masters in Sociology. I don't care if I'm 95 when I get it, either. Just as long as I can learn as much as I possibly can about people and why we do the crazy things we do.

I'm ok with crazy, <3

I like the name Noah. Sometimes, I just say it to myself.

Summer is taking SO FREAKING LONG to get here. & I'm sure, just like always, it'll be over in a flash. This summer marks a lot of milestones for me though.

John's death, a year ago June 11. The news of an engagement I'd rather not have known about a year ago whatever day the Gay Pride parade is/was. A year ago July I moved out for the millionth time, but learned more about myself than I ever have.

My friends have ceased to exist, but I'm so content with that. I know who my true friends are, the only thing I really miss are the what-used-to-be's and I think that comes with every chapter in life. I think it's human to hold on to the past sometimes. And I shouldn't be so quick to say I have no friends, just that the one's I thought were my friends are no longer in my life. Abi is my best friend. No one could stand seeing my face every day and still want to do things together. I don't know where I'd be without her. She starts her first job soon, so very excited for her! and I have friendships with the family I work for, and without those .. boy, I'd be lost. & then there's my boy-friend, whom I've grown so very close to in such a short time. I never imagined being treated so well and not sabotaging it. Not a day goes by that I don't let myself forget how lucky I am to have him. & a year go I had only hoped for a relationship such as ours.

I am happy, content, excited. I like where my life is and everyone who's in it. But I still have anger, and that's what's bothering me enough to direct me here while the kids are playing in the sand box. I still feel foolish for trusting people I shouldn't have. It still bothers me that I did so much for others but it wasn't enough to earn their loyalty or their honesty. and it drives me crazy because my life is good, with good people in it - and yet I think about these things often enough to get upset sometimes. Which jeopardizes my current relationships and circumstances.

and I have to leave it at that .. cuz I'm not really sure what it means, what to do or how cope.

Savannah

I really like that name. Especially when Relient K sings it so sweetly.

My mom and my sister left me for Florida, 10 days ago. I never could have imagined what was in store for me physically ... mentally. Sitting at the computer a mere hours before their arrival, I am content .. and extremely proud of myself. 


Although I'm sure you can picture what a nightmare it must be to herd 5 dogs for 10 days, I guarantee you it's worse than that. It was. I almost didn't make it ... 


Last Monday I came home (at lunch time WITH 3 very curious, very exploratory children) to Mama miraculously out of her kennel, chewing Abi's PINK dog. The garbage was ransacked and my candy stash was no longer.. stashed. I scolded her and thought to myself 'Please, God, don't let this set the tone for the entire week'. I came home Monday evening to Mama out of her kennel again and this time discovered my brand new, very adorable, summer-celebratory, wedges munched on and a pair of strappy black and gold, some-what sentimental, pumps demolished. I cried. 


With that in mind, I'm sure you can envision what the following 9 days were like. Although, I have to admit, other than this most recent Monday, no day was as bad as that day. That was the only day I shed any tears, at least. Which is pretty impressive considering I wanted to cry 91 times more. 


I coped. :D


Yea, I know .. but that's huge for me. Under such pressure in the past, I would have caved. Gave up. Threw in the towel. Someone I used to care for once said, "What do you do when it gets hard? You quit. Stop being a quitter in life." I never knew words could sting like that, but he was wrong. He is wrong. I had been quitting because I was so lost - but I am not a quitter in life. I have fought for everything I have ten times over. Not one single thing has ever been handed to me on a silver platter .. I think I was 9 when I began earning everything I ever wanted, including love.


So, I got lost along the way. I'm human. Even though I am currently trying to fill the role of Super Women, I know I will fall short of filling her, I'm sure stunning, UN-CHEWED, shoes. I think I'm allowed one major fuck up. Excuse my french. 


The point is, I'm back. I fought through every single urge to give up and "quit". Every. Fucking. One. I had 5 dogs, 3 kids and one adorable boy-toy all depending on me for more than a few days. I had to put everything I wanted to accomplish in the next two weeks to the side and fill my every minute with thoughts, actions and opportunities for others. It was rough.


but I got through it and I've had more than one eye-opening experience to accompany the lessons. I'm stronger than I had previously realized and with this new-found power, I'm taking off. 


Watch out Super Woman, I'm coming for those shoes!

acceptance: the ultimate freedom.

Yesterday was a terrible day, for me. I felt like Eeyore, walking around with a black cloud over my head. Everything seemed disappointing or depressing or upsetting .. I took a bath and shed more than a few tears. I had no idea why.

& then this morning .. I woke up & I was happy to be awake. I was excited to get the day started, happy to see the kids .. I was even excited for my apples n cinnamon oatmeal. Now, as I'm sitting here typing .. Oliver, Madelyn and Daniel are all playing together in some pop up tent thing and I'm just smiling.

I am happy. SO happy. My life is good, enjoyable, simple and I'm excited for my future. I feel like I'm finally rid of all the drama and negativity .. and I'm not looking back either. Everything happens for a reason.
Every.
Single.
Thing.

Each day offers new purpose and with that, new challenges as well. So often I looked to others for my strength and motivation to get through each day. Finally I'm able to motivate myself, encourage myself, accept - myself. I hadn't even realized I was doing it, until I noticed the contrasting differences between yesterday and today.

free fallin' <3

ohh, life.

It's crazy to think of all the b/s I've put up with in the last year, year and a half. I've let too many people deceive me and hurt me. But that's the thing .. 'I let them'. I haven't stuck up for myself in too long .. I've been too afraid of hurting someone else, which is ludicrous when you think about it because that means I'd rather hurt myself than hurt others!

There's a fine line between being considerate and compassionate and just being a door mat. If I've learned anything it's to be good to myself - and I'm following through. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

It's no secret, I see the best in people. Always. No matter what. I trust people who aren't trustworthy, I depend on people who aren't reliable, I confide in people who can't keep secrets. I put my faith in people who can't even manage to treat me with respect and consideration.

but I do it all because I believe. I have faith that people learn and grow and change, I really believe people can change. Perhaps adapt is a better word. I give people the benefit of the doubt without thinking about it because I want so badly to believe that there are people out there like me - honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal people.

As badly as I want to fix everyone, believe everyone, trust everyone - I know can't. It's sad .. but it's life.

It makes me appreciate the ones who are reliable, trustworthy and honest that much more. I've lost a lot of people in the past and not just from natural causes, either. If anyone is familiar with the heartache of losing someone you care about - it's me. I'm not quite sure why it happens .. I give people a chance when they don't deserve one. I'm not totally honest about my concerns or my fears .. because I'm afraid to be. I don't take my time to get to know someone while still protecting myself .. I really don't know.

I'm not totally sure what I need to do differently. I'm stuck .. I can't find the middle ground between being too trusting and not trusting at all.

I'm just tired of being hurt.

sometimes the things we cannot change, end up changing us.

I have never read a more applicable, truth-resonating statement in my life.


25 doesn't seem like that far off from 21, or 22 even, but let me tell you - 25 is old. We're supposed to be graduated by now, most of us engaged or a few years from. Living in your own place, picking out room decor at Pier 1 (yes, I really look forward to these days in my life!). That's what you envision at 21, I know - I remember.

I'm positive my biological clock has begun - even though I'm not totally convinced such thing even exists. All I know is that I have been dreaming about my own babies. Working with the most adorable 19 month old in the world doesn't exactly help my constant cravings for baby-love.  Even still, I'm patient.

Yes, I look forward to the pitter patter of little feet, but I know it's not my turn yet. I have faith that it will happen when it's meant to.


I'm not so sure I would have been able to act so maturely 6 months ago. A lot of what happened to me this summer - even though it was seemingly nightmarish - has made me a better person. I am not who I was before John died, or even when I left Charleston, IL (almost a year ago, now. time really does fly.). I am more mature, more patient, kinder, more thoughtful and considerate of others true feelings. I have grown.

To all the one's who used and abused me, to the few who showed me I was worth more than that. I owe my life to all the people along the road, good and bad. And that, right there, completely reinvents my belief in people and relationships.

learning to live.

little miss muffet ..

Today, someone asked me how someone 'like me' could be single. It's really simple actually .. someone 'like me' is single by choice.

My last relationship was far from a fairy tale. "I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way, have left me with these walls and these scars." (Lady Antebellum)

I'm still trying to figure out who I am, let alone trying to figure out who I want him to be.



I offered this response in return .. "I can promise, though, that I am 100% content with being single. I am not lonely or needy or desperate. I'm too busy figuring out who I am ... and beginning to like myself. I don't need anyone's opinion besides my own right now."

There's plenty time for family and love and wedding bells. Right now my priority is figuring out who I want to be and how I'm going to get there. I'm truly grateful for the family I work for .. I thank God every day I get to step foot in their home. I'm finally figuring out my relationship with my mother and trying to improve my relationship with my sister. and I have my best friend, Mamabear, loving me every day along the way. I'm not sad or bitter or angry anymore .. I'm content & it's been a long time since I've said that.



I look forward to finding the rest of myself along this road .. and for those of you wondering how I'm doing it - courageously.

I'm doing it courageously.