ohh, life.

It's crazy to think of all the b/s I've put up with in the last year, year and a half. I've let too many people deceive me and hurt me. But that's the thing .. 'I let them'. I haven't stuck up for myself in too long .. I've been too afraid of hurting someone else, which is ludicrous when you think about it because that means I'd rather hurt myself than hurt others!

There's a fine line between being considerate and compassionate and just being a door mat. If I've learned anything it's to be good to myself - and I'm following through. Let me tell you, it's not easy.

It's no secret, I see the best in people. Always. No matter what. I trust people who aren't trustworthy, I depend on people who aren't reliable, I confide in people who can't keep secrets. I put my faith in people who can't even manage to treat me with respect and consideration.

but I do it all because I believe. I have faith that people learn and grow and change, I really believe people can change. Perhaps adapt is a better word. I give people the benefit of the doubt without thinking about it because I want so badly to believe that there are people out there like me - honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal people.

As badly as I want to fix everyone, believe everyone, trust everyone - I know can't. It's sad .. but it's life.

It makes me appreciate the ones who are reliable, trustworthy and honest that much more. I've lost a lot of people in the past and not just from natural causes, either. If anyone is familiar with the heartache of losing someone you care about - it's me. I'm not quite sure why it happens .. I give people a chance when they don't deserve one. I'm not totally honest about my concerns or my fears .. because I'm afraid to be. I don't take my time to get to know someone while still protecting myself .. I really don't know.

I'm not totally sure what I need to do differently. I'm stuck .. I can't find the middle ground between being too trusting and not trusting at all.

I'm just tired of being hurt.

sometimes the things we cannot change, end up changing us.

I have never read a more applicable, truth-resonating statement in my life.


25 doesn't seem like that far off from 21, or 22 even, but let me tell you - 25 is old. We're supposed to be graduated by now, most of us engaged or a few years from. Living in your own place, picking out room decor at Pier 1 (yes, I really look forward to these days in my life!). That's what you envision at 21, I know - I remember.

I'm positive my biological clock has begun - even though I'm not totally convinced such thing even exists. All I know is that I have been dreaming about my own babies. Working with the most adorable 19 month old in the world doesn't exactly help my constant cravings for baby-love.  Even still, I'm patient.

Yes, I look forward to the pitter patter of little feet, but I know it's not my turn yet. I have faith that it will happen when it's meant to.


I'm not so sure I would have been able to act so maturely 6 months ago. A lot of what happened to me this summer - even though it was seemingly nightmarish - has made me a better person. I am not who I was before John died, or even when I left Charleston, IL (almost a year ago, now. time really does fly.). I am more mature, more patient, kinder, more thoughtful and considerate of others true feelings. I have grown.

To all the one's who used and abused me, to the few who showed me I was worth more than that. I owe my life to all the people along the road, good and bad. And that, right there, completely reinvents my belief in people and relationships.

learning to live.