I'm Suzi & I'm a chocoholic.

That's the color of my OPI nail polish today. Quite a clever name .. although it doesn't resemble chocolate as much as it does brick red. Which in retrospect, is probably a good thing, if my hands were covered in chocolate colored nail polish I'd most likely eat them. I'm Nicole and I am a chocoholic ;)

Merry Christmas everyone. Mine was pretty merry I must say .. I was extremely proud of my gift wrapping skills (I almost took a picture to post). I was also very excited to receive adorable kitchen utensils from Santa this year. Cue Betty Crocker, Martha Stuart and Susie Homemaker (not to be confused with Suzi the chocoholic) .. I have to come to realization that I'm NESTING. Eiy.

I find great pleasure in waking up and cleaning the kitchen and making everyone breakfast. I get excited when the kitchen is really cleaned and organized and I can whip up homemade pancakes in 5 minutes. I find myself day dreaming of my own kitchen, what it might look like .. and how opposite it will be of my mothers kitchen.

I fancy my own pad so intensely, I haven't even stopped to appreciate how far I've come at making my moms place feel homey. Compared to 6 months ago, our house feels much more like a home. I've put my organizational skills into full force in my room (that I share with Abi) and since the holiday's have commenced, I've taken over my moms kitchen. Not that she's too happy with that fact, but I know deep down inside she's grateful that it's kept clean and tidy.

So often, we get lost in the habit of looking to the future, that we forget about the present and what we have now. I know I will have my own place in due time and I now know that what I have here is the perfect opportunity to practice all the skills I'll need when that time comes. I failed to take full advantage of this opportunity 5 years ago, when most people figure this stuff out. I'm so thankful I get another shot at it. 

be thankful .. all year round.

but my heart told my head this time no, this time no.

The recent demise of the relationship with a so-called 'best friend' has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm deeply saddened at how much I was fooled, tricked, & manipulated. I'm very hurt, and I'm beginning to find myself putting the walls up higher than they've ever been. I believed everything she told me. I trusted her with my whole heart, even though my head told me not to. I gave her every part of me with the belief that she was truly the first person who would always be there. I told her we would always be friends, and I said it with conviction.

So, you can imagine my disbelief when it all came crumbling down faster than any other relationship has crumbled. How is it that, in one moment, I believe, with every fiber of my being, this is going to last .. and then it so quickly disappears? I don't understand why I seem to be so easily deceived.

I can't say that writing about this is easy, or that I even want to .. but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I'm tired of crying .. tired of waiting for a realization that will probably never come .. I'm just tired. I don't like being used. I don't understand why it's so incredibly easy for people to shut me out. I don't want this to become the story of my life.

so what's become of it?

Well for one, I've put my guard up. As much as I want to trust the world, I just don't anymore.

but the best thing that has come out of it, the one thing I never saw coming, I've begun to look inside myself. Maybe I'm the one who makes it easy to walk in and out of my life. I seem to be the common factor, after all. I've also spent less energy correcting others, and begun focusing more energy correcting myself. "What can I do differently?", I find myself asking myself a thousand times a day. I've always known, somewhere inside, that you can't really change others. Honestly, I never really wanted to change anyone else, I just wanted them to see a different point of view. I've always thought I've had such a brilliant way of looking at the world. Truthfully, I do. I think a lot of people would agree with that. But I've spent so much energy trying to push it off on everyone else I've forgotten to apply the rules to one important character... yours truly.

I've realized, you can't force your agenda on anyone. Although I thought I had a gentile way of doing so, it doesn't change the fact that I was still trying to fix you, and not me.

The moral of the story? I'm not perfect. I know, shocker. I have spent so many years focusing everything I have on everyone but myself. I don't trust my own instincts, I don't love me for who I am, I don't even believe in myself and what I'm capable of. It's really sad, actually .. but I am not sad. I'm grateful that I've figured this out, even if it did take a dozen failed attempts. I'm glad that I get to start fresh.

It's ok to stick up for what you believe in, especially if you what you're believing in, is yourself.

Le tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours

Ok, you caught me. No, I don't really know french - but according to Wikipedia it means 'Around the World in Eighty Days' and it just so happens, today, I feel like writing about traveling. :)

I really want to visit Sweden. I can't recall when I decided that's where I really wanted to go, exactly. I think it was during one  "The Golden Girls" marathon or another, when Rose was supposedly speaking Swedish, that I thought, "I really need to go there and see what they're all about." I mean, just take a look at that scenery! Breathtaking. I also think the heritage intrigues me - some part of me believes I'm descendant of a Swede. (Look I fit in all ready!) I've read that they have less wars and live longer and happier lives than we do - they must have something figured out - maybe a calmer lifestyle? I'm all in for that. Honestly, though, I enjoy the outdoors greatly and I love national parks with character, point and case Abisko National Park.
For awhile I wanted to move there and raise little Swedish babies (like Swedish fish, only cuter), but somewhere along the line I heard that they don't allow immigration, so, there goes that idea.

I also would love to travel the US some more, I'd like to see Alaska and Alabama to New Orleans and North Carolina, but I'm dreaming big here people!

I think the one place I have to go to before I die is Ireland. No, I'm not really Irish, (even though my pale skin and freckles may throw you off). However, I really enjoy the color green and the scenery, alone, from 'P.S. I Love You' was enough to convince me. I'd like to visit the Blarney Castle/Stone - that has to be every little girls fantasy. You mean, they have real castles?! Sold. I also have a slight obsession with pubs and from what I've seen/heard/read, Ireland has some pretty swanky pubs. I could get into the whole futbol, 'Green Street Hooligans' thing.

The place I've always dreamed of going, but never really believed I set foot in, Italy. Good God, look at the history there! Ok, ok I'm not that big on history - the real reason I want to go? The food. I think that's one thing on everyones (well, anyone who likes to EAT) bucket list. We've all had our little love affairs with Italian food. Fresh fish, bruschetta, pasta, a good red wine, heck I'm sold on anything BASIL! It's definitely a dream of mine .. but until that day I'll just pretend I'm Italian when I cook in the kitchen.

I think it's important to travel, or to at least have the desire to. And, no, I don't mean to Disney World or Hollywood (although, you should see those places too!) - I mean see the world. We live on an amazing, breathtaking planet! Filled with different cultures, foods, music and philosophy's and practices, it's slightly arrogant to sit in one place and think we've got it all figured out. Traveling gives you a sense of humility and it opens your mind a little bit.

We could all use a little mind opening.

break ups: the painful process

It's no mystery, dealing with a break up is difficult. Chances are, you can turn to almost anyone you know and they'll be able to share with you a painful tale of their own. We've all been there, right?

but what happens when your 'break up' has become more of a 'break down'? You continue to torture yourself with the details of the break up over and over again, and no matter how clearly you see that it's not meant to be, you just can't seem to let go. Welcome to my life.

I have spent the better part of 4 years trying to figure out my relationship with my, now, ex-boyfriend. We dated in high school, broke up, I did the whole break up process and moved on. Years later we crossed paths and dated for 6 months and broke up, again. Once more, I went through the process but this time we remained 'friends' (not a wise decision on either of our parts). Seven months later we were back together, this time it was supposedly the real deal. There was talk of marriage, a family, life-long plans .. you know, the 'forever' talk that we all seem to have with our significant others. Each and every time we got back together I told myself we were meant to be, we're soul mates, this will all be worth it in the long run. All the excuses and lies you fill your head with to make sense of the hurt and heartache.

This April we both decided that our relationship was no longer making either of us happy and we decided to go our separate ways. Of course, we talked about remaining friends, but it was quickly revealed to both of us that this was not going to be possible. It was far too painful. So, we stopped talking. I cleared my life of anything that reminded me of him and, once again, went through the break up process - which had now become excruciatingly routine. Six weeks later I hear news that he's engaged to another ex of his, whom I had always known was the love he never let go of.

I was determined, now more than ever, to get rid of him (and what had now become my obsession) once and for all. I thought, this time, I was really over him. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt - it was all too much to bare and I knew it wasn't healthy. I deserved better, it wasn't meant to be, there's a lesson here somewhere - I filled my head with positive, forward moving thoughts. I was really done .. or so I thought.

As recent as September I received an email from him letting me know his engagement - and his relationship - was over. He claimed I was 'right about her' and he was thankful. "For what?" I thought to myself .. so, I reached out to him to find out. We met up and before I knew it, I was swept back into the thought of 'forever' with him. Except this time I could not get over the fact that a few months ago he had proposed to another woman and suddenly he's back here with me! It rattled my brain and when he failed to give me an answer I could believe, I told him I couldn't be friends with him and bid him adieu.

A few weeks later, he's back with his ex fiance. Telling me I need to let him go, "We're over", he says. "It's unhealthy for you to be speaking to me, you need to move on." What convenient timing for such wisdom!

I felt like I was dumped, again. It's been 7 years off and on with this boy and, for some reason, I continued to fall for his charm and cute little text messages. It wasn't until I watched him bounce from me to her back to me and then back to her again, that I realized how foolish I had been! and even then, I'm still sitting here wondering.

It's been really difficult for me to find answers to this relationship. Was this whole thing one big lie? Were we ever meant to date in the first place? Why did we date if it seems so wrong and unfit now? Why doesn't she see the pattern? What exactly is he looking for? Who does he really love? Did he ever really love me? or her? Am I normal for wondering these things? Why can't I get over him?

After everything I've been through with him, I know that I deserve better. I also know that all those little red flags weren't because I was crazy after all, it was because I was lying to myself. Then it hits me, the real question, "Why did you lie to yourself for so many years, Nicole?" I let myself fall for his cute texts and charming humor because I wanted to fix him.

He's looking for something to fix the hurt he feels inside. He's desperately trying to find it in relationships (among other things) and when he's not successful he runs to the next one. I know that, deep down, he must have loved me and her (as painful as that is for me to admit) because he wouldn't have been able to spend 3 years with me or propose to her if he hadn't. But there's no way you can truly love someone when you don't love yourself. I have nothing to do with why he does what he does, he's really just focused on himself and trying to fix whatever it is that hurts so deeply.

I get it. So, was it meant to be? Obviously not, or it would. Did he ever really love me? At one point, I'm sure he did. Sometimes our past, our secrets and our own self-hatred get in the way of appreciating what's in front of us. Why can't she see the pattern? Probably for the same reasons I never did! When you're in love you don't think straight. Love really is blind! Was it one big lie? No, there were bits of truth in there somewhere - but because of the lies (he told me or he told himself or I told myself) we were able to hold onto something that wasn't really there for a lot longer.

So, the lesson? Well .. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, obviously I need to be a lot more aware of the 'in-love' feeling and how intoxicating it can be. I need to be honest with myself, even if he's trying to convince me otherwise (I mean, come on .. an 'expensive rebound'? Flying across country to spend a romantic weekend with someone qualifies as an 'expensive rebound'; a proposal fit with a gorgeous diamond ring does not).

I'm sure as I go along, as more time passes (& time really does heal all), I'll be able to see everything clearly and understand perfectly why all of this happened to me. Until then, I'll focus on myself and I won't settle for anything less than everything.

be good to yourself, and the rest will follow.