The recent demise of the relationship with a so-called 'best friend' has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I'm deeply saddened at how much I was fooled, tricked, & manipulated. I'm very hurt, and I'm beginning to find myself putting the walls up higher than they've ever been. I believed everything she told me. I trusted her with my whole heart, even though my head told me not to. I gave her every part of me with the belief that she was truly the first person who would always be there. I told her we would always be friends, and I said it with conviction.
So, you can imagine my disbelief when it all came crumbling down faster than any other relationship has crumbled. How is it that, in one moment, I believe, with every fiber of my being, this is going to last .. and then it so quickly disappears? I don't understand why I seem to be so easily deceived.
I can't say that writing about this is easy, or that I even want to .. but I'm at a loss for what else to do. I'm tired of crying .. tired of waiting for a realization that will probably never come .. I'm just tired. I don't like being used. I don't understand why it's so incredibly easy for people to shut me out. I don't want this to become the story of my life.
so what's become of it?
Well for one, I've put my guard up. As much as I want to trust the world, I just don't anymore.
but the best thing that has come out of it, the one thing I never saw coming, I've begun to look inside myself. Maybe I'm the one who makes it easy to walk in and out of my life. I seem to be the common factor, after all. I've also spent less energy correcting others, and begun focusing more energy correcting myself. "What can I do differently?", I find myself asking myself a thousand times a day. I've always known, somewhere inside, that you can't really change others. Honestly, I never really wanted to change anyone else, I just wanted them to see a different point of view. I've always thought I've had such a brilliant way of looking at the world. Truthfully, I do. I think a lot of people would agree with that. But I've spent so much energy trying to push it off on everyone else I've forgotten to apply the rules to one important character... yours truly.
I've realized, you can't force your agenda on anyone. Although I thought I had a gentile way of doing so, it doesn't change the fact that I was still trying to fix you, and not me.
The moral of the story? I'm not perfect. I know, shocker. I have spent so many years focusing everything I have on everyone but myself. I don't trust my own instincts, I don't love me for who I am, I don't even believe in myself and what I'm capable of. It's really sad, actually .. but I am not sad. I'm grateful that I've figured this out, even if it did take a dozen failed attempts. I'm glad that I get to start fresh.
It's ok to stick up for what you believe in, especially if you what you're believing in, is yourself.
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