will you defeat them? Your demons, and all your non-believers...

Whoever came up with the phrase "when you find the one, you just know" - didn't know shit. You don't.

With every guy I was with, I imagined a life with them. I planned out our future according to our current dreams and obsessions. And every time I was disappointed and let down.

I learned two things - I have unrealistic expectations, of myself - and of others.

& you don't know. When you find the one you have absolutely no clue what's about to hit you. You just like this person. Really, really like. And they make you want to be better, try harder, go further

but you don't just ....know.

I was blindsided by Chauns' existence in my life. One minute he was there, the next I was obsessed with this dude. I found myself being challenged to gain more and more insight into his inner-workings. I found those around me judging and criticizing me for liking him that much, that quickly.

I didn't care. or, I thought I didn't .. but, deep down I did.

I began to hide how I felt for Chaun. Locking my feelings for him in the safest place in my heart. Although the criticisms made me feel ashamed and foolish originally - what those feelings lead me to do taught me so much. I'm glad I kept it safe for awhile. I'm glad I was selfish and I didn't expose every single detail to every person that would listen.

It's now time to let them out again. 

because now I'm sure. I'm sure that Chaun is who God wants me to be with right now. He makes me want to be the best I could possibly be - and I can't get enough of that. Instead of focusing incessantly on the imperfections of those around me - I can focus on me. That's the best feeling I've ever had.

& I'm thanking God I found it. ..and him. <3

What would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, so proud.

I can remember the first time I ever heard this song. It was on this girls Xanga - yea, I'm that old. I would go to her Xanga just to hear this song. Over and over and over. It still brings me the same calming effect it did back then.

So, what would you think of me now? I never said thank you for that. Except, I get the chance. On here at least .. because I know you'll read this sooner or later. :)

I thought all this time I was missing him, but I've realized I was only missing the part of me that he took with him. I'm slowly getting back to who I was before all of this catastrophe went down. & I am stronger, thank God. I know I can get through whatever life throws me..getting over you was the hardest thing I've had to do. It overwhelmed me for so much longer than I had expected.

but I'm happy to say .. I'm finally over you. In a basic sense. I'm over the love that I thought we had. I'm over the anger and the bitter resentment. I'm over the wishful thinking and the hopeful dreaming. Best of all - I'm over avoiding that part of me because I was so terrified of being reminded of you.

Truth is you are a part of who I am. When I go out discing, when I get excited over Miniature Tigers - mental note, they're at schubas soon get tickets - Ok, I'm back. Sorry. Listening to We Were Promised Jetpacks. My 'Does It Offend You Yeah' tee shirt. When I sing Jimmy Eat World as loud as I can in my car. That's all a part of me that I found when I was with you. and those are some of my favorite parts of me.

I wouldn't have found them if you never came into my life. What a depressing thought..

so, without further adieu ..

Thank you TSP. You've made me who I am today and I love who I've become.