I learned a lot about myself in the past month or so, mostly in the past few days.
I've been searching, for a long time, for the reason why people come and go so often in my life. Including important people, like my parents. It's a huge source of heartache and confusion for me in my life and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.
Well, thanks to someone pretty amazing, I think I finally have. It's not them. It's me.
I've always been aware that I'm very critical of others and that I constantly focus on others more than myself. But I've never actually seen how negatively it's impacted me. When I'm in a relationship - be it platonic or otherwise - I am faced with several insecurities, but instead of identifying my insecurities and why I feel the way I do - I focus on the person who made me feel that way and why they would want to make me feel like that. Here comes the rain, and then I obsess over it. Why would you want to hurt me? How could you betray me? You You You ...enter thunder, lightening, hail and we've got a full blown storm over something INSIGNIFICANT. Not to mention the fact that I've failed at making myself feel better or communicate what I need from this person in order to feel better - all I have managed to do is cause a huge storm over a little cloud in my sunshiney day.
I do it constantly. With everything. I think too much - this too, I've always known. But I think NEGATIVELY instead of positively. I focus on the bad and what I don't have or what I'm missing out on instead of the good and what I do have and what I'm gaining. Every day.
However, I am proud to announce that I am working on it :) I am so proud of myself and SO thankful to have people who love me for me - really. I am going to focus on how I feel and what I need rather than what the other person did to make me feel that way. I'm going to really ask myself if this is even worth thinking about and practice letting the little things go. When I find myself hurt, I'm going to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. And I'm going to appreciate the wonderful people in my life, regardless of their flaws.
because that's exactly what they've given me. <3
