Innocent Questions.

Why don't we appreciate things before we lose them?

Why don't we treat others like the treasures they are?

How come judgment and abandonment are accepted methods of dealing with pain?

What happens when you don't want to accept the norms that society has forced upon you?

What if you want to be your own person, and love forgive and forget at your own discretion?

Why are we expected to gain approval of those around us?

Why does anyone's approval besides your own, and God's, even matter?

What if I don't want to do what I'm supposed to? What if I don't want to listen?

How come the consequences for doing it my way and not listening are SO extreme?

Why do you have to leave me before you can love me?

this one goes out to the one I love

or, used to anyways.

Is it over yet? Can I skip the next month and avoid feeling like this? I want it to be over already. I thought this break up was going to be so much different than all the rest. I thought I was handling it well. I thought I was ok.

I'm not. and no one knows it. I don't know what's worse: being let down by yet another guy I trusted - or having all the feelings from the last break up surface.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick of being take for granted. and I'm beyond tired of being expected to let it all go and 'be friends'. Are you effing kidding me? I gave you a chance to be my friend, you had to be my boyfriend! And you blew that, too.

I'm tired of being stuck inside my head. I feel like no one understands what I'm going through or how I'm feeling - and everyone keeps trying to make light of it. Can I just be human and hurt without the world trying to force me to get over it? Forgive me for seeing something wrong with sugar coating life. I've never been one to ignore how I really feel and, although at times it makes me look irrational or over-emotional, I will never change. This is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I think more people should. I know I'm not the only one who's felt like this - but I am one of the only who has the balls to write about it.

Is there even such thing as love? I don't even believe in it anymore.

mind in one place, heart in another

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this morning I woke up in a completely different place. There were the obvious differences like, I was in Illinois and now I'm in Wisconsin. I was with Chaun getting ready for the beautiful day and now I'm alone, doing homework, staring at the clouds out my window. And then there is the not-so-obvious difference, I woke up this morning next to Chaun, as his girlfriend and now I sit here alone, single.


I was trying to do homework but I can't focus. I didn't want to rush home and change my relationship status on FB to 'single' for fear of the drama that would ensue. But, I do need to talk about it and people are going to ask eventually anyways.

6 months ago I made a promise to myself that I would re-evaluate my relationship with Chaun and make sure that it was headed in a happy, healthy place and if not - I would do what's best for myself.
In 2 days it will be our 6 months, and I found myself contemplating our relationship a couple of days early. I didn't come up with the 'happy, healthy' conclusion I was hoping for. Chaun and I have spent quite a bit of time lately, arguing. Over silly things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't necessarily matter. I found myself laying on his bed alone, sad because he and I were having trouble just enjoying each others company. I couldn't figure out why but my head told me what I had to do.

So, we had a long conversation, and I told him I thought it was best - for both of us - if we just broke up. And although we had plenty of good times together, lately the bad seemed to outweigh the good, and neither of us deserve that - or even need it at this point in our lives. Although I shed a few tears, I'm proud of myself for handling it so well.

So what's the problem? Break ups are hard, that's just a fact of the matter. I have to be honest and say I have never handled a break-up so maturely or graciously. I'm surprised to find that no matter how well - or not so - the break up goes, it still hurts.

I still care about Chaun. I now have no one to text good night or make corny status's about. He was my only friend, and I'm sad that I'm alone once again. My heart kicks in, and what seemed to be such a logical decision this afternoon now feels like the end-all. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but it's really hard to weigh your heart against your head.
I won't be able to enjoy dinner with his family on Friday nights anymore. No one to call and share my day, however good or bad. No one to skype with. I don't have a reason to leave WI every weekend and escape reality for awhile.

I know I made the right decision, for both of us. I'm relieved that, eventually, we will be able to remain friends because we did handle this so well.

I just wish relationships weren't so complicated. I wish loving wasn't so easy and letting go wasn't so hard.

I wish all you really need was love.