Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone
Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one
This is my life in a song. A song Ben Harper helped write. & I don't want your pity, I want so badly to tell him. No, don't pity me - understand me if you must - but don't feel bad for me. It won't help matters even if you did. It won't bring him back..he's never coming back. Not the way I knew him.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Storm Warning
I learned a lot about myself in the past month or so, mostly in the past few days.
I've been searching, for a long time, for the reason why people come and go so often in my life. Including important people, like my parents. It's a huge source of heartache and confusion for me in my life and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.
Well, thanks to someone pretty amazing, I think I finally have. It's not them. It's me.
I've always been aware that I'm very critical of others and that I constantly focus on others more than myself. But I've never actually seen how negatively it's impacted me. When I'm in a relationship - be it platonic or otherwise - I am faced with several insecurities, but instead of identifying my insecurities and why I feel the way I do - I focus on the person who made me feel that way and why they would want to make me feel like that. Here comes the rain, and then I obsess over it. Why would you want to hurt me? How could you betray me? You You You ...enter thunder, lightening, hail and we've got a full blown storm over something INSIGNIFICANT. Not to mention the fact that I've failed at making myself feel better or communicate what I need from this person in order to feel better - all I have managed to do is cause a huge storm over a little cloud in my sunshiney day.
I do it constantly. With everything. I think too much - this too, I've always known. But I think NEGATIVELY instead of positively. I focus on the bad and what I don't have or what I'm missing out on instead of the good and what I do have and what I'm gaining. Every day.
However, I am proud to announce that I am working on it :) I am so proud of myself and SO thankful to have people who love me for me - really. I am going to focus on how I feel and what I need rather than what the other person did to make me feel that way. I'm going to really ask myself if this is even worth thinking about and practice letting the little things go. When I find myself hurt, I'm going to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. And I'm going to appreciate the wonderful people in my life, regardless of their flaws.
because that's exactly what they've given me. <3
I've been searching, for a long time, for the reason why people come and go so often in my life. Including important people, like my parents. It's a huge source of heartache and confusion for me in my life and I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why.
Well, thanks to someone pretty amazing, I think I finally have. It's not them. It's me.
I've always been aware that I'm very critical of others and that I constantly focus on others more than myself. But I've never actually seen how negatively it's impacted me. When I'm in a relationship - be it platonic or otherwise - I am faced with several insecurities, but instead of identifying my insecurities and why I feel the way I do - I focus on the person who made me feel that way and why they would want to make me feel like that. Here comes the rain, and then I obsess over it. Why would you want to hurt me? How could you betray me? You You You ...enter thunder, lightening, hail and we've got a full blown storm over something INSIGNIFICANT. Not to mention the fact that I've failed at making myself feel better or communicate what I need from this person in order to feel better - all I have managed to do is cause a huge storm over a little cloud in my sunshiney day.
I do it constantly. With everything. I think too much - this too, I've always known. But I think NEGATIVELY instead of positively. I focus on the bad and what I don't have or what I'm missing out on instead of the good and what I do have and what I'm gaining. Every day.
However, I am proud to announce that I am working on it :) I am so proud of myself and SO thankful to have people who love me for me - really. I am going to focus on how I feel and what I need rather than what the other person did to make me feel that way. I'm going to really ask myself if this is even worth thinking about and practice letting the little things go. When I find myself hurt, I'm going to focus on what I do have instead of what I don't. And I'm going to appreciate the wonderful people in my life, regardless of their flaws.
because that's exactly what they've given me. <3
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Innocent Questions.
Why don't we appreciate things before we lose them?
Why don't we treat others like the treasures they are?
How come judgment and abandonment are accepted methods of dealing with pain?
What happens when you don't want to accept the norms that society has forced upon you?
What if you want to be your own person, and love forgive and forget at your own discretion?
Why are we expected to gain approval of those around us?
Why does anyone's approval besides your own, and God's, even matter?
What if I don't want to do what I'm supposed to? What if I don't want to listen?
How come the consequences for doing it my way and not listening are SO extreme?
Why do you have to leave me before you can love me?
Why don't we treat others like the treasures they are?
How come judgment and abandonment are accepted methods of dealing with pain?
What happens when you don't want to accept the norms that society has forced upon you?
What if you want to be your own person, and love forgive and forget at your own discretion?
Why are we expected to gain approval of those around us?
Why does anyone's approval besides your own, and God's, even matter?
What if I don't want to do what I'm supposed to? What if I don't want to listen?
How come the consequences for doing it my way and not listening are SO extreme?
Why do you have to leave me before you can love me?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
this one goes out to the one I love
or, used to anyways.
Is it over yet? Can I skip the next month and avoid feeling like this? I want it to be over already. I thought this break up was going to be so much different than all the rest. I thought I was handling it well. I thought I was ok.
I'm not. and no one knows it. I don't know what's worse: being let down by yet another guy I trusted - or having all the feelings from the last break up surface.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick of being take for granted. and I'm beyond tired of being expected to let it all go and 'be friends'. Are you effing kidding me? I gave you a chance to be my friend, you had to be my boyfriend! And you blew that, too.
I'm tired of being stuck inside my head. I feel like no one understands what I'm going through or how I'm feeling - and everyone keeps trying to make light of it. Can I just be human and hurt without the world trying to force me to get over it? Forgive me for seeing something wrong with sugar coating life. I've never been one to ignore how I really feel and, although at times it makes me look irrational or over-emotional, I will never change. This is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I think more people should. I know I'm not the only one who's felt like this - but I am one of the only who has the balls to write about it.
Is there even such thing as love? I don't even believe in it anymore.
Is it over yet? Can I skip the next month and avoid feeling like this? I want it to be over already. I thought this break up was going to be so much different than all the rest. I thought I was handling it well. I thought I was ok.
I'm not. and no one knows it. I don't know what's worse: being let down by yet another guy I trusted - or having all the feelings from the last break up surface.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm sick of being take for granted. and I'm beyond tired of being expected to let it all go and 'be friends'. Are you effing kidding me? I gave you a chance to be my friend, you had to be my boyfriend! And you blew that, too.
I'm tired of being stuck inside my head. I feel like no one understands what I'm going through or how I'm feeling - and everyone keeps trying to make light of it. Can I just be human and hurt without the world trying to force me to get over it? Forgive me for seeing something wrong with sugar coating life. I've never been one to ignore how I really feel and, although at times it makes me look irrational or over-emotional, I will never change. This is who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I think more people should. I know I'm not the only one who's felt like this - but I am one of the only who has the balls to write about it.
Is there even such thing as love? I don't even believe in it anymore.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
mind in one place, heart in another
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this morning I woke up in a completely different place. There were the obvious differences like, I was in Illinois and now I'm in Wisconsin. I was with Chaun getting ready for the beautiful day and now I'm alone, doing homework, staring at the clouds out my window. And then there is the not-so-obvious difference, I woke up this morning next to Chaun, as his girlfriend and now I sit here alone, single.
I was trying to do homework but I can't focus. I didn't want to rush home and change my relationship status on FB to 'single' for fear of the drama that would ensue. But, I do need to talk about it and people are going to ask eventually anyways.
6 months ago I made a promise to myself that I would re-evaluate my relationship with Chaun and make sure that it was headed in a happy, healthy place and if not - I would do what's best for myself.
In 2 days it will be our 6 months, and I found myself contemplating our relationship a couple of days early. I didn't come up with the 'happy, healthy' conclusion I was hoping for. Chaun and I have spent quite a bit of time lately, arguing. Over silly things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't necessarily matter. I found myself laying on his bed alone, sad because he and I were having trouble just enjoying each others company. I couldn't figure out why but my head told me what I had to do.
So, we had a long conversation, and I told him I thought it was best - for both of us - if we just broke up. And although we had plenty of good times together, lately the bad seemed to outweigh the good, and neither of us deserve that - or even need it at this point in our lives. Although I shed a few tears, I'm proud of myself for handling it so well.
So what's the problem? Break ups are hard, that's just a fact of the matter. I have to be honest and say I have never handled a break-up so maturely or graciously. I'm surprised to find that no matter how well - or not so - the break up goes, it still hurts.
I still care about Chaun. I now have no one to text good night or make corny status's about. He was my only friend, and I'm sad that I'm alone once again. My heart kicks in, and what seemed to be such a logical decision this afternoon now feels like the end-all. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but it's really hard to weigh your heart against your head.
I won't be able to enjoy dinner with his family on Friday nights anymore. No one to call and share my day, however good or bad. No one to skype with. I don't have a reason to leave WI every weekend and escape reality for awhile.
I know I made the right decision, for both of us. I'm relieved that, eventually, we will be able to remain friends because we did handle this so well.
I just wish relationships weren't so complicated. I wish loving wasn't so easy and letting go wasn't so hard.
I wish all you really need was love.
I was trying to do homework but I can't focus. I didn't want to rush home and change my relationship status on FB to 'single' for fear of the drama that would ensue. But, I do need to talk about it and people are going to ask eventually anyways.
6 months ago I made a promise to myself that I would re-evaluate my relationship with Chaun and make sure that it was headed in a happy, healthy place and if not - I would do what's best for myself.
In 2 days it will be our 6 months, and I found myself contemplating our relationship a couple of days early. I didn't come up with the 'happy, healthy' conclusion I was hoping for. Chaun and I have spent quite a bit of time lately, arguing. Over silly things that, in the grand scheme of things, don't necessarily matter. I found myself laying on his bed alone, sad because he and I were having trouble just enjoying each others company. I couldn't figure out why but my head told me what I had to do.
So, we had a long conversation, and I told him I thought it was best - for both of us - if we just broke up. And although we had plenty of good times together, lately the bad seemed to outweigh the good, and neither of us deserve that - or even need it at this point in our lives. Although I shed a few tears, I'm proud of myself for handling it so well.
So what's the problem? Break ups are hard, that's just a fact of the matter. I have to be honest and say I have never handled a break-up so maturely or graciously. I'm surprised to find that no matter how well - or not so - the break up goes, it still hurts.
I still care about Chaun. I now have no one to text good night or make corny status's about. He was my only friend, and I'm sad that I'm alone once again. My heart kicks in, and what seemed to be such a logical decision this afternoon now feels like the end-all. Well, maybe not that dramatic, but it's really hard to weigh your heart against your head.
I won't be able to enjoy dinner with his family on Friday nights anymore. No one to call and share my day, however good or bad. No one to skype with. I don't have a reason to leave WI every weekend and escape reality for awhile.
I know I made the right decision, for both of us. I'm relieved that, eventually, we will be able to remain friends because we did handle this so well.
I just wish relationships weren't so complicated. I wish loving wasn't so easy and letting go wasn't so hard.
I wish all you really need was love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Why do we have middle names?
Just curious. Not that I don't love coming up with 2 name combinations for my "some-day" children, I just wonder where it originates from and why we get 2 names.
Other than that, I cannot contain my excitement to get back into school! I got accepted to Penn State's online campus or "world campus" as they call it. I've been waiting since the end of February to hear back from them. I'm just going to start with a few classes and pursue my Associates in one of their 'family services' programs and go from there. I've decided I'm going to be a counselor. I'm good at talking .. and listening (most of the time). Why not get paid to do it?
One day - my masters in Sociology. I don't care if I'm 95 when I get it, either. Just as long as I can learn as much as I possibly can about people and why we do the crazy things we do.
I'm ok with crazy, <3
Other than that, I cannot contain my excitement to get back into school! I got accepted to Penn State's online campus or "world campus" as they call it. I've been waiting since the end of February to hear back from them. I'm just going to start with a few classes and pursue my Associates in one of their 'family services' programs and go from there. I've decided I'm going to be a counselor. I'm good at talking .. and listening (most of the time). Why not get paid to do it?
One day - my masters in Sociology. I don't care if I'm 95 when I get it, either. Just as long as I can learn as much as I possibly can about people and why we do the crazy things we do.
I'm ok with crazy, <3
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I like the name Noah. Sometimes, I just say it to myself.
Summer is taking SO FREAKING LONG to get here. & I'm sure, just like always, it'll be over in a flash. This summer marks a lot of milestones for me though.
John's death, a year ago June 11. The news of an engagement I'd rather not have known about a year ago whatever day the Gay Pride parade is/was. A year ago July I moved out for the millionth time, but learned more about myself than I ever have.
My friends have ceased to exist, but I'm so content with that. I know who my true friends are, the only thing I really miss are the what-used-to-be's and I think that comes with every chapter in life. I think it's human to hold on to the past sometimes. And I shouldn't be so quick to say I have no friends, just that the one's I thought were my friends are no longer in my life. Abi is my best friend. No one could stand seeing my face every day and still want to do things together. I don't know where I'd be without her. She starts her first job soon, so very excited for her! and I have friendships with the family I work for, and without those .. boy, I'd be lost. & then there's my boy-friend, whom I've grown so very close to in such a short time. I never imagined being treated so well and not sabotaging it. Not a day goes by that I don't let myself forget how lucky I am to have him. & a year go I had only hoped for a relationship such as ours.
I am happy, content, excited. I like where my life is and everyone who's in it. But I still have anger, and that's what's bothering me enough to direct me here while the kids are playing in the sand box. I still feel foolish for trusting people I shouldn't have. It still bothers me that I did so much for others but it wasn't enough to earn their loyalty or their honesty. and it drives me crazy because my life is good, with good people in it - and yet I think about these things often enough to get upset sometimes. Which jeopardizes my current relationships and circumstances.
and I have to leave it at that .. cuz I'm not really sure what it means, what to do or how cope.
John's death, a year ago June 11. The news of an engagement I'd rather not have known about a year ago whatever day the Gay Pride parade is/was. A year ago July I moved out for the millionth time, but learned more about myself than I ever have.
My friends have ceased to exist, but I'm so content with that. I know who my true friends are, the only thing I really miss are the what-used-to-be's and I think that comes with every chapter in life. I think it's human to hold on to the past sometimes. And I shouldn't be so quick to say I have no friends, just that the one's I thought were my friends are no longer in my life. Abi is my best friend. No one could stand seeing my face every day and still want to do things together. I don't know where I'd be without her. She starts her first job soon, so very excited for her! and I have friendships with the family I work for, and without those .. boy, I'd be lost. & then there's my boy-friend, whom I've grown so very close to in such a short time. I never imagined being treated so well and not sabotaging it. Not a day goes by that I don't let myself forget how lucky I am to have him. & a year go I had only hoped for a relationship such as ours.
I am happy, content, excited. I like where my life is and everyone who's in it. But I still have anger, and that's what's bothering me enough to direct me here while the kids are playing in the sand box. I still feel foolish for trusting people I shouldn't have. It still bothers me that I did so much for others but it wasn't enough to earn their loyalty or their honesty. and it drives me crazy because my life is good, with good people in it - and yet I think about these things often enough to get upset sometimes. Which jeopardizes my current relationships and circumstances.
and I have to leave it at that .. cuz I'm not really sure what it means, what to do or how cope.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Savannah
I really like that name. Especially when Relient K sings it so sweetly.
My mom and my sister left me for Florida, 10 days ago. I never could have imagined what was in store for me physically ... mentally. Sitting at the computer a mere hours before their arrival, I am content .. and extremely proud of myself.
Although I'm sure you can picture what a nightmare it must be to herd 5 dogs for 10 days, I guarantee you it's worse than that. It was. I almost didn't make it ...
Last Monday I came home (at lunch time WITH 3 very curious, very exploratory children) to Mama miraculously out of her kennel, chewing Abi's PINK dog. The garbage was ransacked and my candy stash was no longer.. stashed. I scolded her and thought to myself 'Please, God, don't let this set the tone for the entire week'. I came home Monday evening to Mama out of her kennel again and this time discovered my brand new, very adorable, summer-celebratory, wedges munched on and a pair of strappy black and gold, some-what sentimental, pumps demolished. I cried.
With that in mind, I'm sure you can envision what the following 9 days were like. Although, I have to admit, other than this most recent Monday, no day was as bad as that day. That was the only day I shed any tears, at least. Which is pretty impressive considering I wanted to cry 91 times more.
I coped. :D
Yea, I know .. but that's huge for me. Under such pressure in the past, I would have caved. Gave up. Threw in the towel. Someone I used to care for once said, "What do you do when it gets hard? You quit. Stop being a quitter in life." I never knew words could sting like that, but he was wrong. He is wrong. I had been quitting because I was so lost - but I am not a quitter in life. I have fought for everything I have ten times over. Not one single thing has ever been handed to me on a silver platter .. I think I was 9 when I began earning everything I ever wanted, including love.
So, I got lost along the way. I'm human. Even though I am currently trying to fill the role of Super Women, I know I will fall short of filling her, I'm sure stunning, UN-CHEWED, shoes. I think I'm allowed one major fuck up. Excuse my french.
The point is, I'm back. I fought through every single urge to give up and "quit". Every. Fucking. One. I had 5 dogs, 3 kids and one adorable boy-toy all depending on me for more than a few days. I had to put everything I wanted to accomplish in the next two weeks to the side and fill my every minute with thoughts, actions and opportunities for others. It was rough.
but I got through it and I've had more than one eye-opening experience to accompany the lessons. I'm stronger than I had previously realized and with this new-found power, I'm taking off.
Watch out Super Woman, I'm coming for those shoes!
My mom and my sister left me for Florida, 10 days ago. I never could have imagined what was in store for me physically ... mentally. Sitting at the computer a mere hours before their arrival, I am content .. and extremely proud of myself.
Although I'm sure you can picture what a nightmare it must be to herd 5 dogs for 10 days, I guarantee you it's worse than that. It was. I almost didn't make it ...
Last Monday I came home (at lunch time WITH 3 very curious, very exploratory children) to Mama miraculously out of her kennel, chewing Abi's PINK dog. The garbage was ransacked and my candy stash was no longer.. stashed. I scolded her and thought to myself 'Please, God, don't let this set the tone for the entire week'. I came home Monday evening to Mama out of her kennel again and this time discovered my brand new, very adorable, summer-celebratory, wedges munched on and a pair of strappy black and gold, some-what sentimental, pumps demolished. I cried.
With that in mind, I'm sure you can envision what the following 9 days were like. Although, I have to admit, other than this most recent Monday, no day was as bad as that day. That was the only day I shed any tears, at least. Which is pretty impressive considering I wanted to cry 91 times more.
I coped. :D
Yea, I know .. but that's huge for me. Under such pressure in the past, I would have caved. Gave up. Threw in the towel. Someone I used to care for once said, "What do you do when it gets hard? You quit. Stop being a quitter in life." I never knew words could sting like that, but he was wrong. He is wrong. I had been quitting because I was so lost - but I am not a quitter in life. I have fought for everything I have ten times over. Not one single thing has ever been handed to me on a silver platter .. I think I was 9 when I began earning everything I ever wanted, including love.
So, I got lost along the way. I'm human. Even though I am currently trying to fill the role of Super Women, I know I will fall short of filling her, I'm sure stunning, UN-CHEWED, shoes. I think I'm allowed one major fuck up. Excuse my french.
The point is, I'm back. I fought through every single urge to give up and "quit". Every. Fucking. One. I had 5 dogs, 3 kids and one adorable boy-toy all depending on me for more than a few days. I had to put everything I wanted to accomplish in the next two weeks to the side and fill my every minute with thoughts, actions and opportunities for others. It was rough.
but I got through it and I've had more than one eye-opening experience to accompany the lessons. I'm stronger than I had previously realized and with this new-found power, I'm taking off.
Watch out Super Woman, I'm coming for those shoes!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
acceptance: the ultimate freedom.
Yesterday was a terrible day, for me. I felt like Eeyore, walking around with a black cloud over my head. Everything seemed disappointing or depressing or upsetting .. I took a bath and shed more than a few tears. I had no idea why.
& then this morning .. I woke up & I was happy to be awake. I was excited to get the day started, happy to see the kids .. I was even excited for my apples n cinnamon oatmeal. Now, as I'm sitting here typing .. Oliver, Madelyn and Daniel are all playing together in some pop up tent thing and I'm just smiling.
I am happy. SO happy. My life is good, enjoyable, simple and I'm excited for my future. I feel like I'm finally rid of all the drama and negativity .. and I'm not looking back either. Everything happens for a reason.
Every.
Single.
Thing.
Each day offers new purpose and with that, new challenges as well. So often I looked to others for my strength and motivation to get through each day. Finally I'm able to motivate myself, encourage myself, accept - myself. I hadn't even realized I was doing it, until I noticed the contrasting differences between yesterday and today.
free fallin' <3
& then this morning .. I woke up & I was happy to be awake. I was excited to get the day started, happy to see the kids .. I was even excited for my apples n cinnamon oatmeal. Now, as I'm sitting here typing .. Oliver, Madelyn and Daniel are all playing together in some pop up tent thing and I'm just smiling.
I am happy. SO happy. My life is good, enjoyable, simple and I'm excited for my future. I feel like I'm finally rid of all the drama and negativity .. and I'm not looking back either. Everything happens for a reason.
Every.
Single.
Thing.
Each day offers new purpose and with that, new challenges as well. So often I looked to others for my strength and motivation to get through each day. Finally I'm able to motivate myself, encourage myself, accept - myself. I hadn't even realized I was doing it, until I noticed the contrasting differences between yesterday and today.
free fallin' <3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
ohh, life.
It's crazy to think of all the b/s I've put up with in the last year, year and a half. I've let too many people deceive me and hurt me. But that's the thing .. 'I let them'. I haven't stuck up for myself in too long .. I've been too afraid of hurting someone else, which is ludicrous when you think about it because that means I'd rather hurt myself than hurt others!
There's a fine line between being considerate and compassionate and just being a door mat. If I've learned anything it's to be good to myself - and I'm following through. Let me tell you, it's not easy.
It's no secret, I see the best in people. Always. No matter what. I trust people who aren't trustworthy, I depend on people who aren't reliable, I confide in people who can't keep secrets. I put my faith in people who can't even manage to treat me with respect and consideration.
but I do it all because I believe. I have faith that people learn and grow and change, I really believe people can change. Perhaps adapt is a better word. I give people the benefit of the doubt without thinking about it because I want so badly to believe that there are people out there like me - honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal people.
As badly as I want to fix everyone, believe everyone, trust everyone - I know can't. It's sad .. but it's life.
It makes me appreciate the ones who are reliable, trustworthy and honest that much more. I've lost a lot of people in the past and not just from natural causes, either. If anyone is familiar with the heartache of losing someone you care about - it's me. I'm not quite sure why it happens .. I give people a chance when they don't deserve one. I'm not totally honest about my concerns or my fears .. because I'm afraid to be. I don't take my time to get to know someone while still protecting myself .. I really don't know.
I'm not totally sure what I need to do differently. I'm stuck .. I can't find the middle ground between being too trusting and not trusting at all.
I'm just tired of being hurt.
There's a fine line between being considerate and compassionate and just being a door mat. If I've learned anything it's to be good to myself - and I'm following through. Let me tell you, it's not easy.
It's no secret, I see the best in people. Always. No matter what. I trust people who aren't trustworthy, I depend on people who aren't reliable, I confide in people who can't keep secrets. I put my faith in people who can't even manage to treat me with respect and consideration.
but I do it all because I believe. I have faith that people learn and grow and change, I really believe people can change. Perhaps adapt is a better word. I give people the benefit of the doubt without thinking about it because I want so badly to believe that there are people out there like me - honest, trustworthy, reliable, loyal people.
As badly as I want to fix everyone, believe everyone, trust everyone - I know can't. It's sad .. but it's life.
It makes me appreciate the ones who are reliable, trustworthy and honest that much more. I've lost a lot of people in the past and not just from natural causes, either. If anyone is familiar with the heartache of losing someone you care about - it's me. I'm not quite sure why it happens .. I give people a chance when they don't deserve one. I'm not totally honest about my concerns or my fears .. because I'm afraid to be. I don't take my time to get to know someone while still protecting myself .. I really don't know.
I'm not totally sure what I need to do differently. I'm stuck .. I can't find the middle ground between being too trusting and not trusting at all.
I'm just tired of being hurt.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
sometimes the things we cannot change, end up changing us.
I have never read a more applicable, truth-resonating statement in my life.
25 doesn't seem like that far off from 21, or 22 even, but let me tell you - 25 is old. We're supposed to be graduated by now, most of us engaged or a few years from. Living in your own place, picking out room decor at Pier 1 (yes, I really look forward to these days in my life!). That's what you envision at 21, I know - I remember.
I'm positive my biological clock has begun - even though I'm not totally convinced such thing even exists. All I know is that I have been dreaming about my own babies. Working with the most adorable 19 month old in the world doesn't exactly help my constant cravings for baby-love. Even still, I'm patient.
Yes, I look forward to the pitter patter of little feet, but I know it's not my turn yet. I have faith that it will happen when it's meant to.
I'm not so sure I would have been able to act so maturely 6 months ago. A lot of what happened to me this summer - even though it was seemingly nightmarish - has made me a better person. I am not who I was before John died, or even when I left Charleston, IL (almost a year ago, now. time really does fly.). I am more mature, more patient, kinder, more thoughtful and considerate of others true feelings. I have grown.
To all the one's who used and abused me, to the few who showed me I was worth more than that. I owe my life to all the people along the road, good and bad. And that, right there, completely reinvents my belief in people and relationships.
learning to live.
25 doesn't seem like that far off from 21, or 22 even, but let me tell you - 25 is old. We're supposed to be graduated by now, most of us engaged or a few years from. Living in your own place, picking out room decor at Pier 1 (yes, I really look forward to these days in my life!). That's what you envision at 21, I know - I remember.
I'm positive my biological clock has begun - even though I'm not totally convinced such thing even exists. All I know is that I have been dreaming about my own babies. Working with the most adorable 19 month old in the world doesn't exactly help my constant cravings for baby-love. Even still, I'm patient.
Yes, I look forward to the pitter patter of little feet, but I know it's not my turn yet. I have faith that it will happen when it's meant to.
I'm not so sure I would have been able to act so maturely 6 months ago. A lot of what happened to me this summer - even though it was seemingly nightmarish - has made me a better person. I am not who I was before John died, or even when I left Charleston, IL (almost a year ago, now. time really does fly.). I am more mature, more patient, kinder, more thoughtful and considerate of others true feelings. I have grown.
To all the one's who used and abused me, to the few who showed me I was worth more than that. I owe my life to all the people along the road, good and bad. And that, right there, completely reinvents my belief in people and relationships.
learning to live.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
little miss muffet ..
Today, someone asked me how someone 'like me' could be single. It's really simple actually .. someone 'like me' is single by choice.
My last relationship was far from a fairy tale. "I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way, have left me with these walls and these scars." (Lady Antebellum)
I'm still trying to figure out who I am, let alone trying to figure out who I want him to be.
I offered this response in return .. "I can promise, though, that I am 100% content with being single. I am not lonely or needy or desperate. I'm too busy figuring out who I am ... and beginning to like myself. I don't need anyone's opinion besides my own right now."
There's plenty time for family and love and wedding bells. Right now my priority is figuring out who I want to be and how I'm going to get there. I'm truly grateful for the family I work for .. I thank God every day I get to step foot in their home. I'm finally figuring out my relationship with my mother and trying to improve my relationship with my sister. and I have my best friend, Mamabear, loving me every day along the way. I'm not sad or bitter or angry anymore .. I'm content & it's been a long time since I've said that.
I look forward to finding the rest of myself along this road .. and for those of you wondering how I'm doing it - courageously.
I'm doing it courageously.
My last relationship was far from a fairy tale. "I know that the bridges that I've burned along the way, have left me with these walls and these scars." (Lady Antebellum)
I'm still trying to figure out who I am, let alone trying to figure out who I want him to be.
I offered this response in return .. "I can promise, though, that I am 100% content with being single. I am not lonely or needy or desperate. I'm too busy figuring out who I am ... and beginning to like myself. I don't need anyone's opinion besides my own right now."
There's plenty time for family and love and wedding bells. Right now my priority is figuring out who I want to be and how I'm going to get there. I'm truly grateful for the family I work for .. I thank God every day I get to step foot in their home. I'm finally figuring out my relationship with my mother and trying to improve my relationship with my sister. and I have my best friend, Mamabear, loving me every day along the way. I'm not sad or bitter or angry anymore .. I'm content & it's been a long time since I've said that.
I look forward to finding the rest of myself along this road .. and for those of you wondering how I'm doing it - courageously.
I'm doing it courageously.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
in & out
I think often of my friends and family. Why we do what we do. I don't understand the lack of compassion, or the unbearable amount of misery. What would come of this world if all mind altering substances disappeared? Would you lose your mom to cancer, or perhaps regain your heroin addicted friend? Which would be the tragedy?
it seems as though no one really has it quite figured out. people keep telling me what to do, what's wrong what's right but there's no doubt ... no one really has this thing called life quite figured out.
What if we took notes from Dr. Seuss instead of Dr. Phil? Do you think we'd have a harder time getting by? Who decided that Dr. Phil was more trustworthy than Dr. Seuss, after all? That you couldn't learn a lesson from a Cat in a hat? or perhaps green eggs and ham? What if we turned this world upside down, the hours went backwards and we stopped counting time? The world wouldn't cease to exist .. so.... what if what if what if?
I don't understand this thing called life, although I love to live it. I wish people would slow down a minute, and take a look around. There's no guarantee that your job will get you through to heaven. No promise that you're good to go .. you've got the golden ticket. Politics, Policy and Perfunctory.
I think the latter is all that matters.
it seems as though no one really has it quite figured out. people keep telling me what to do, what's wrong what's right but there's no doubt ... no one really has this thing called life quite figured out.
What if we took notes from Dr. Seuss instead of Dr. Phil? Do you think we'd have a harder time getting by? Who decided that Dr. Phil was more trustworthy than Dr. Seuss, after all? That you couldn't learn a lesson from a Cat in a hat? or perhaps green eggs and ham? What if we turned this world upside down, the hours went backwards and we stopped counting time? The world wouldn't cease to exist .. so.... what if what if what if?
I don't understand this thing called life, although I love to live it. I wish people would slow down a minute, and take a look around. There's no guarantee that your job will get you through to heaven. No promise that you're good to go .. you've got the golden ticket. Politics, Policy and Perfunctory.
I think the latter is all that matters.
Friday, January 7, 2011
white blank page
I need a memory eraser. Like .. what movie was it? Bourne Identity? Something like that. I just don't want to think about you anymore.
No matter how hard I try to forget .. your name pops up at least once in my head every day. Truthfully, I hate you. You're the meanest person I've ever met and I can't wait for karma to catch up to you.
sometimes I wish my name was Karma ....
but that's not what comes naturally .. what comes naturally is to miss you. I remember your stupid laugh and, laugh. I see your grateful dead tee in my drawer and hear your voice saying 'I love when you wear my clothes'. I go through old journals and notebooks and 85% of what's in there is about you! Every single day I find myself searching harder and harder for reasons to hate you. I'm losing them ..
.. part of that is just who I am. I forgive - easily, I might add. I don't have enough energy (or a mean enough spirit) to hold a grudge or stay mad at anyone for too long. I get over almost everything .. ... ....... on the outside at least. I can't stay mad at you forever. Even though I want to. Even though I should. Even though I really, really wish I could. I'll keep trying ...
You sucked the life out of me. You still bring tears to my eyes. The wound is still fresh, the pain - still intense. I don't spend hours in bed crying over Ben & Jerry's ice cream .. I'm not that pathetic. but I do get upset when I see something positive that reminds me of the negative. I get angry when I think about you. I tell people I hate you .. because I do.
.. it's just, sometimes I forget. Allow me to remind myself:
I hate you for being selfish and ruining what we had. & not in the sense of a future together - you ruined what we had entirely to the point that I can't even reflect positively because I despise the fact that you ever existed in my heart. I hate you for lying and manipulating me. I hate you for blaming me & only me. I hate your face. I hate your tee shirts because they forever remind me of that weekend. I hate that I can't get rid of your tee shirts because it is so habit for me to wear them to bed and if I got rid of them I'd literally have nothing to sleep in. (sad, but true.) I hate that songs remind me of you. I hate that you always get the last word. I hate that you lie, I just really hate the fact that you're a coward and you constantly lie about everything. I hate that you were the one who broke all my rules. I hate that it takes a TON of effort on my behalf to get over you. I hate that I literally have to avoid the internet all together if I want any chance in avoiding the urge to check up on you .. which only forces me to think about you because you're the reason I'm avoiding the internet all together. I hate that you can tell her the exact same things you told me. I hate that I even know of her and what she means to you. I hate that I dream about you. I hate that I think about you. I hate that I ever even loved you.
I really, truly do, absolutely hate you.
there. maybe now that it's out on this white - no longer blank - page, I'll be able to think about something else.
...like the fact that it looks like a snow globe outside.
No matter how hard I try to forget .. your name pops up at least once in my head every day. Truthfully, I hate you. You're the meanest person I've ever met and I can't wait for karma to catch up to you.
sometimes I wish my name was Karma ....
but that's not what comes naturally .. what comes naturally is to miss you. I remember your stupid laugh and, laugh. I see your grateful dead tee in my drawer and hear your voice saying 'I love when you wear my clothes'. I go through old journals and notebooks and 85% of what's in there is about you! Every single day I find myself searching harder and harder for reasons to hate you. I'm losing them ..
.. part of that is just who I am. I forgive - easily, I might add. I don't have enough energy (or a mean enough spirit) to hold a grudge or stay mad at anyone for too long. I get over almost everything .. ... ....... on the outside at least. I can't stay mad at you forever. Even though I want to. Even though I should. Even though I really, really wish I could. I'll keep trying ...
You sucked the life out of me. You still bring tears to my eyes. The wound is still fresh, the pain - still intense. I don't spend hours in bed crying over Ben & Jerry's ice cream .. I'm not that pathetic. but I do get upset when I see something positive that reminds me of the negative. I get angry when I think about you. I tell people I hate you .. because I do.
.. it's just, sometimes I forget. Allow me to remind myself:
I hate you for being selfish and ruining what we had. & not in the sense of a future together - you ruined what we had entirely to the point that I can't even reflect positively because I despise the fact that you ever existed in my heart. I hate you for lying and manipulating me. I hate you for blaming me & only me. I hate your face. I hate your tee shirts because they forever remind me of that weekend. I hate that I can't get rid of your tee shirts because it is so habit for me to wear them to bed and if I got rid of them I'd literally have nothing to sleep in. (sad, but true.) I hate that songs remind me of you. I hate that you always get the last word. I hate that you lie, I just really hate the fact that you're a coward and you constantly lie about everything. I hate that you were the one who broke all my rules. I hate that it takes a TON of effort on my behalf to get over you. I hate that I literally have to avoid the internet all together if I want any chance in avoiding the urge to check up on you .. which only forces me to think about you because you're the reason I'm avoiding the internet all together. I hate that you can tell her the exact same things you told me. I hate that I even know of her and what she means to you. I hate that I dream about you. I hate that I think about you. I hate that I ever even loved you.
I really, truly do, absolutely hate you.
there. maybe now that it's out on this white - no longer blank - page, I'll be able to think about something else.
...like the fact that it looks like a snow globe outside.
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