white blank page

I need a memory eraser. Like .. what movie was it? Bourne Identity? Something like that. I just don't want to think about you anymore.

No matter how hard I try to forget .. your  name pops up at least once in my head every day. Truthfully, I hate you. You're the meanest person I've ever met and I can't wait for karma to catch up to you.

sometimes I wish my name was Karma ....


but that's not what comes naturally .. what comes naturally is to miss you. I remember your stupid laugh and, laugh. I see your grateful dead tee in my drawer and hear your voice saying 'I love when you wear my clothes'. I go through old journals and notebooks and 85% of what's in there is about you! Every single day I find myself searching harder and harder for reasons to hate you. I'm losing them ..


.. part of that is just who I am. I forgive - easily, I might add. I don't have enough energy (or a mean enough spirit) to hold a grudge or stay mad at anyone for too long. I get over almost everything .. ... ....... on the outside at least. I can't stay mad at you forever. Even though I want to. Even though I should. Even though I really, really wish I could. I'll keep trying ...

You sucked the life out of me. You still bring tears to my eyes. The wound is still fresh, the pain - still intense. I don't spend hours in bed crying over Ben & Jerry's ice cream .. I'm not that pathetic. but I do get upset  when I see something positive that reminds me of the negative. I get angry when I think about you. I tell people I hate you .. because I do.

.. it's just, sometimes I forget. Allow me to remind myself:

I hate you for being selfish and ruining what we had. & not in the sense of a future together - you ruined what we had entirely to the point that I can't even reflect positively because I despise the fact that you ever existed in my heart. I hate you for lying and manipulating me. I hate you for blaming me & only me. I hate your face. I hate your tee shirts because they forever remind me of that weekend. I hate that I can't get rid of your tee shirts because it is so habit for me to wear them to bed and if I got rid of them I'd literally have nothing to sleep in. (sad, but true.) I hate that songs remind me of you. I hate that you always get the last word. I hate that you lie, I just really hate the fact that you're a coward and you constantly lie about everything. I hate that you were the one who broke all my rules. I hate that it takes a TON of effort on my behalf to get over you. I hate that I literally have to avoid the internet all together if I want any chance in avoiding the urge to check up on you .. which only forces me to think about you because you're the reason I'm avoiding the internet all together. I hate that you can tell her the exact same things you told me. I hate that I even know of her and what she means to you. I hate that I dream about you. I hate that I think about you. I hate that I ever even loved you.

I really, truly do, absolutely hate you.




there. maybe now that it's out on this white - no longer blank - page, I'll be able to think about something else.

...like the fact that it looks like a snow globe outside.