Good things are happening again, I am so grateful. Today my mom admitted, out-loud, that she's always been hardest on me. My brother didn't believe her, I was shocked that someone else agreed - especially my mom.
Then she went on to ask my brother what I've done in order to live here .. and he began listing the things I get up and do every day.
Again, I was shocked. This time I was just surprised anyone else noticed the work I've been putting in. I think I'm also a bit shocked that I've kept it up.
I have learned so much in the past 2 months it astounds me, but what's more astonishing, I've actually applied what I'm learning and it seems to be working. Looking back I realize that over the last 2 years my only priority in life has been Tyler. I have dedicated all my energy, time and thought into making my relationship with him work. It's not healthy .. it's certainly not helping and up until recently, I really had no idea how much it affected me. I've given up everything - not because I only wanted him - but because 'making it work' took everything I had. I had no energy, motivation or determination for anything else. Now that I've started the process of getting over him I'm forced to fill my time and thoughts with something - anything else. The result?
I've spent a good 2 hours refurbishing my care.com profile to reflect who I am in a professional manner and begun applying for positions that really seem to fit what I'm looking for. I have an interview Wednesday evening.
I've taken my dog for a walk for 20-40 minutes every day for a week now. She listens so much better to me now and I'm losing weight!
I've spent the last 2 Sunday's volunteering at the nursery at Church. I think that's what gave me the urge to try nannying again.
I've also been trying really hard to remain positive and patient! Although I've had a few rough days (including this morning) I'm finding it easier to pull myself back up and get through the day. (Usually if I'm in a rotten mood my walk cheers me up).
The last thing that I've been focusing my energy and thought into is my relationship with God. The church I go to is more traditional than I'm used to. The services take quite a bit of thought and processing before I'm able to understand what to take away from it. It's also giving me a ton of questions. Despite my intense desire to quit going - the people have inspired me to hang in there. They're so friendly and are genuinely curious about me and my life. They really want to help. I think it's giving me the ability to see God in different aspects of my life and it's definitely help me to appreciate what I have. Just in time for Thanksgiving last Thursday.
It was so refreshing to hear my mom and my brother talk about my accomplishments. It's so nice to be recognized for trying.
I've always been slow, I do things at my own pace - usually 20 steps behind everyone else - but I get there.
& that's what really counts.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tornado Alley
My mom just called, 'You need to go to the basement. Tornado's have touched down in Lake Geneva.' I replied 'Ok, love you' and giggled as I hung up the phone.
No way! I'm not sitting in the basement, I live for this kind of stuff - the adrenaline makes me giddy with excitement. I wish Tyler and I were still together, I could totally see the both of us hopping into a car to chase this crazy storm down.
I've always been a storm-loving-gal, I remember a crazy storm when I was 5 or 6, we lived in the 'yellow house' in Westmont. I was glued to the bay window watching as our garbage can flew down our driveway toward our neighbor's house. I can still hear the voice of my babysitter telling me to get in the basement before I end up blowing away like the garbage can. After sitting in the basement storm after storm, and nothing more exciting happening than the power going out - I decided it's a lot more fun to sit upstairs and watch it all unravel. Lightening is stunning, the sound of pouring rain drops soothes the soul, and wind can become so powerful in the blink of an eye. Storms have the power to dismantle a home in seconds or throw a 2 ton vehicle like it's nothing. Yes, they're powerful and dangerous, but they're also breathtaking.
I think it's exhilarating to be able to see, first hand, the power of Mother Nature. I'm sure one day I'll get a little too close for comfort but until then, I'll sit on the edge and watch.
p.s.
The sunset after this storm today was phenomenal and the damage was minimal. Everyone is safe and sound, but south west of me a large, black cloud is rolling in.
Excuse me while I grab the popcorn and watch this one unravel.
No way! I'm not sitting in the basement, I live for this kind of stuff - the adrenaline makes me giddy with excitement. I wish Tyler and I were still together, I could totally see the both of us hopping into a car to chase this crazy storm down.
I've always been a storm-loving-gal, I remember a crazy storm when I was 5 or 6, we lived in the 'yellow house' in Westmont. I was glued to the bay window watching as our garbage can flew down our driveway toward our neighbor's house. I can still hear the voice of my babysitter telling me to get in the basement before I end up blowing away like the garbage can. After sitting in the basement storm after storm, and nothing more exciting happening than the power going out - I decided it's a lot more fun to sit upstairs and watch it all unravel. Lightening is stunning, the sound of pouring rain drops soothes the soul, and wind can become so powerful in the blink of an eye. Storms have the power to dismantle a home in seconds or throw a 2 ton vehicle like it's nothing. Yes, they're powerful and dangerous, but they're also breathtaking.
p.s.
The sunset after this storm today was phenomenal and the damage was minimal. Everyone is safe and sound, but south west of me a large, black cloud is rolling in.
Excuse me while I grab the popcorn and watch this one unravel.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
easy come, easy go
Alas, I have created yet another blog. I can't even recall how many of these I have in the internet world, but I do know one thing: I will maintain this one.
Lets start at the beginning, since that seems to be the most logical. I'm here to reflect on my life and what I've learned in the last 25 years. Hopefully, writing it down will allow me to learn and prevent me from making the same mistake twice. Although, I'm hard-headed, so the latter may be unavoidable.
My life has changed so drastically in the last year. I've gone from 'in a relationship' on facebook, to 'single' while my ex has gone from 'in a relationship with me' to 'single' to 'in a relationship with her' to 'engaged to her' to 'single'. My mom has gone from 'married' to 'widowed' - in real life. My family dynamic has changed, my living arrangements have changed, even my future has been slightly altered due to the unraveling of my life in the last year. I have changed friends, I have changed beliefs, I've even changed habits. The one thing that hasn't changed much is me. Well, until recently.
I'm angry at myself for taking so many good things in my life for granted .. and letting so many bad things go unnoticed. I'm tired of being unemployed and unmotivated. My future has had no direction but things are slowly changing. Emphasis on slowly.
I have begun the unbearable process of self-awareness. I have officially begun to change who I am and what I stand for. What I want in life is finally something I'm considering as an option. I'm not quite sure why I never considered it before.
So that's why I'm here, to document my progress, to keep myself motivated, and to have something concrete to reflect on later down the road.
Here goes nothin'.
Lets start at the beginning, since that seems to be the most logical. I'm here to reflect on my life and what I've learned in the last 25 years. Hopefully, writing it down will allow me to learn and prevent me from making the same mistake twice. Although, I'm hard-headed, so the latter may be unavoidable.
My life has changed so drastically in the last year. I've gone from 'in a relationship' on facebook, to 'single' while my ex has gone from 'in a relationship with me' to 'single' to 'in a relationship with her' to 'engaged to her' to 'single'. My mom has gone from 'married' to 'widowed' - in real life. My family dynamic has changed, my living arrangements have changed, even my future has been slightly altered due to the unraveling of my life in the last year. I have changed friends, I have changed beliefs, I've even changed habits. The one thing that hasn't changed much is me. Well, until recently.
I'm angry at myself for taking so many good things in my life for granted .. and letting so many bad things go unnoticed. I'm tired of being unemployed and unmotivated. My future has had no direction but things are slowly changing. Emphasis on slowly.
I have begun the unbearable process of self-awareness. I have officially begun to change who I am and what I stand for. What I want in life is finally something I'm considering as an option. I'm not quite sure why I never considered it before.
So that's why I'm here, to document my progress, to keep myself motivated, and to have something concrete to reflect on later down the road.
Here goes nothin'.
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