It's no mystery, dealing with a break up is difficult. Chances are, you can turn to almost anyone you know and they'll be able to share with you a painful tale of their own. We've all been there, right?
but what happens when your 'break up' has become more of a 'break down'? You continue to torture yourself with the details of the break up over and over again, and no matter how clearly you see that it's not meant to be, you just can't seem to let go. Welcome to my life.
I have spent the better part of 4 years trying to figure out my relationship with my, now, ex-boyfriend. We dated in high school, broke up, I did the whole break up process and moved on. Years later we crossed paths and dated for 6 months and broke up, again. Once more, I went through the process but this time we remained 'friends' (not a wise decision on either of our parts). Seven months later we were back together, this time it was supposedly the real deal. There was talk of marriage, a family, life-long plans .. you know, the 'forever' talk that we all seem to have with our significant others. Each and every time we got back together I told myself we were meant to be, we're soul mates, this will all be worth it in the long run. All the excuses and lies you fill your head with to make sense of the hurt and heartache.
This April we both decided that our relationship was no longer making either of us happy and we decided to go our separate ways. Of course, we talked about remaining friends, but it was quickly revealed to both of us that this was not going to be possible. It was far too painful. So, we stopped talking. I cleared my life of anything that reminded me of him and, once again, went through the break up process - which had now become excruciatingly routine. Six weeks later I hear news that he's engaged to another ex of his, whom I had always known was the love he never let go of.
I was determined, now more than ever, to get rid of him (and what had now become my obsession) once and for all. I thought, this time, I was really over him. The lies, the betrayal, the hurt - it was all too much to bare and I knew it wasn't healthy. I deserved better, it wasn't meant to be, there's a lesson here somewhere - I filled my head with positive, forward moving thoughts. I was really done .. or so I thought.
As recent as September I received an email from him letting me know his engagement - and his relationship - was over. He claimed I was 'right about her' and he was thankful. "For what?" I thought to myself .. so, I reached out to him to find out. We met up and before I knew it, I was swept back into the thought of 'forever' with him. Except this time I could not get over the fact that a few months ago he had proposed to another woman and suddenly he's back here with me! It rattled my brain and when he failed to give me an answer I could believe, I told him I couldn't be friends with him and bid him adieu.
A few weeks later, he's back with his ex fiance. Telling me I need to let him go, "We're over", he says. "It's unhealthy for you to be speaking to me, you need to move on." What convenient timing for such wisdom!
I felt like I was dumped, again. It's been 7 years off and on with this boy and, for some reason, I continued to fall for his charm and cute little text messages. It wasn't until I watched him bounce from me to her back to me and then back to her again, that I realized how foolish I had been! and even then, I'm still sitting here wondering.
It's been really difficult for me to find answers to this relationship. Was this whole thing one big lie? Were we ever meant to date in the first place? Why did we date if it seems so wrong and unfit now? Why doesn't she see the pattern? What exactly is he looking for? Who does he really love? Did he ever really love me? or her? Am I normal for wondering these things? Why can't I get over him?
After everything I've been through with him, I know that I deserve better. I also know that all those little red flags weren't because I was crazy after all, it was because I was lying to myself. Then it hits me, the real question, "Why did you lie to yourself for so many years, Nicole?" I let myself fall for his cute texts and charming humor because I wanted to fix him.
He's looking for something to fix the hurt he feels inside. He's desperately trying to find it in relationships (among other things) and when he's not successful he runs to the next one. I know that, deep down, he must have loved me and her (as painful as that is for me to admit) because he wouldn't have been able to spend 3 years with me or propose to her if he hadn't. But there's no way you can truly love someone when you don't love yourself. I have nothing to do with why he does what he does, he's really just focused on himself and trying to fix whatever it is that hurts so deeply.
I get it. So, was it meant to be? Obviously not, or it would. Did he ever really love me? At one point, I'm sure he did. Sometimes our past, our secrets and our own self-hatred get in the way of appreciating what's in front of us. Why can't she see the pattern? Probably for the same reasons I never did! When you're in love you don't think straight. Love really is blind! Was it one big lie? No, there were bits of truth in there somewhere - but because of the lies (he told me or he told himself or I told myself) we were able to hold onto something that wasn't really there for a lot longer.
So, the lesson? Well .. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I mean, obviously I need to be a lot more aware of the 'in-love' feeling and how intoxicating it can be. I need to be honest with myself, even if he's trying to convince me otherwise (I mean, come on .. an 'expensive rebound'? Flying across country to spend a romantic weekend with someone qualifies as an 'expensive rebound'; a proposal fit with a gorgeous diamond ring does not).
I'm sure as I go along, as more time passes (& time really does heal all), I'll be able to see everything clearly and understand perfectly why all of this happened to me. Until then, I'll focus on myself and I won't settle for anything less than everything.
be good to yourself, and the rest will follow.
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